Dead bodies be gone!

**DISCLAIMER** At no point during these conversations did any of the participants actually consider killing anyone. This is for entertainment purposes only.

*Oh, and the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

While sitting at lunch the other day, my girlfriend Amy* and I were discussing our men. We had this complaint or that complaint, as most of these types of conversations go. I made the comment "Men, hrumph, you can't live with them and you can't kill them."

At this point another coworker named *Keith piped in with, "But you can." And he proceeds to inform us of the multitude of ways to kill, and then dispose of, the human body. (At this point, reread the disclaimer. We don't want to go to jail.)

His first suggestion consisted of cutting up the dead human body. Then take the human body and put the pieces in biohazard bags, and dispose of them with the rest of the biohazardous waste. (We happen to work at a medical facility... but if we didn't, taking it to the nearest hospital would be an option.)

Keith's point was that medical waste is incinerated, so there's NO evidence. That's a good point.

I have the following issues with this method:
1) Cutting up the dead body. GROSS. Messy and... UGH... GROSS!
2) Schlepping the dead body parts to work/facility to dispose of it. Still very gross.

So Amy went home and discussed with her husband different ideas for disposing of a body. His idea was to obtain a VW Bug engine block. To then bury the body with the block. Apparently the VW Bug releases some sort of phosphorus or magnesium into the soil so the body will never be discovered. It also helps to disintegrate the body/bones and the dirt on top provides some sort of cocoon like environment to accelerate the destruction of the body.

His next idea was to take the live body out on a boat and bring with you cement in a bad. To knock the person unconscious and to put their feet in a box, add the cement, add sea water. Let the cement harden and toss them overboard. I say he's been watching too much Sopranos with that one.

So here are the issues with these methods:
1) Where in the HELL would you obtain a VW Bug engine block? This does make me wonder if the gov't watches purchases of VW Bug engine blocks. Is there a mandatory waiting period, ie for a handgun?
2) Renting a boat? I don't own a boat. Do you own a boat? What if you don't live near the ocean? I mean, I don't believe that tossing a body in the James River would prevent me from getting caught.

So Amy and I go to work the next day and Keith comes up to us at lunch and tells us that he googled how much heat you need to completely incinerate a body. A cremated body disintegrates at 1600-1800 F. But, contrary to popular belief, cremating a body does not result in ashes. It is actually dried bone fragments that have been pulverized by a device called a cremulator. (Ok, OK! I looked most of that stuff up on Wikipedia. )

So we discuss this for the second day in a row. At this point, I'm thinking... hmmmm. what if people start to overhear us? Will they think the three of us are plotting something insidious? Amy was even more concerned than I was. She insisted on my changing the names to protect them, ahem, innocent.

These are the things we discuss during lunch. The other tables, they're talking about work related stuff. We don't do that because, IT'S LUNCH TIME. NO work can be discussed during lunch time. Nothing makes me madder than someone coming up to one of us at lunch to ask us a question. Seriously, you can't wait 30 fucking minutes? YES, YES YOU CAN. Go away. Of course, we don't say that. We smile politely and then bitch about them once they're far enough away that they can't hear us.

What? We're mean. I don't care. If they heard us talking about the killing sprees and disposing of dead bodies, would they really approach us anyway? hahaha. One can only hope not.