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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dead bodies be gone!

**DISCLAIMER** At no point during these conversations did any of the participants actually consider killing anyone. This is for entertainment purposes only.

*Oh, and the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

While sitting at lunch the other day, my girlfriend Amy* and I were discussing our men. We had this complaint or that complaint, as most of these types of conversations go. I made the comment "Men, hrumph, you can't live with them and you can't kill them."

At this point another coworker named *Keith piped in with, "But you can." And he proceeds to inform us of the multitude of ways to kill, and then dispose of, the human body. (At this point, reread the disclaimer. We don't want to go to jail.)

His first suggestion consisted of cutting up the dead human body. Then take the human body and put the pieces in biohazard bags, and dispose of them with the rest of the biohazardous waste. (We happen to work at a medical facility... but if we didn't, taking it to the nearest hospital would be an option.)

Keith's point was that medical waste is incinerated, so there's NO evidence. That's a good point.

I have the following issues with this method:
1) Cutting up the dead body. GROSS. Messy and... UGH... GROSS!
2) Schlepping the dead body parts to work/facility to dispose of it. Still very gross.

So Amy went home and discussed with her husband different ideas for disposing of a body. His idea was to obtain a VW Bug engine block. To then bury the body with the block. Apparently the VW Bug releases some sort of phosphorus or magnesium into the soil so the body will never be discovered. It also helps to disintegrate the body/bones and the dirt on top provides some sort of cocoon like environment to accelerate the destruction of the body.

His next idea was to take the live body out on a boat and bring with you cement in a bad. To knock the person unconscious and to put their feet in a box, add the cement, add sea water. Let the cement harden and toss them overboard. I say he's been watching too much Sopranos with that one.

So here are the issues with these methods:
1) Where in the HELL would you obtain a VW Bug engine block? This does make me wonder if the gov't watches purchases of VW Bug engine blocks. Is there a mandatory waiting period, ie for a handgun?
2) Renting a boat? I don't own a boat. Do you own a boat? What if you don't live near the ocean? I mean, I don't believe that tossing a body in the James River would prevent me from getting caught.

So Amy and I go to work the next day and Keith comes up to us at lunch and tells us that he googled how much heat you need to completely incinerate a body. A cremated body disintegrates at 1600-1800 F. But, contrary to popular belief, cremating a body does not result in ashes. It is actually dried bone fragments that have been pulverized by a device called a cremulator. (Ok, OK! I looked most of that stuff up on Wikipedia. )

So we discuss this for the second day in a row. At this point, I'm thinking... hmmmm. what if people start to overhear us? Will they think the three of us are plotting something insidious? Amy was even more concerned than I was. She insisted on my changing the names to protect them, ahem, innocent.

These are the things we discuss during lunch. The other tables, they're talking about work related stuff. We don't do that because, IT'S LUNCH TIME. NO work can be discussed during lunch time. Nothing makes me madder than someone coming up to one of us at lunch to ask us a question. Seriously, you can't wait 30 fucking minutes? YES, YES YOU CAN. Go away. Of course, we don't say that. We smile politely and then bitch about them once they're far enough away that they can't hear us.

What? We're mean. I don't care. If they heard us talking about the killing sprees and disposing of dead bodies, would they really approach us anyway? hahaha. One can only hope not.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

In the competition for...

In the competition for the weirdest topic, my husband and his two friends have nominated: Jennifer Aniston's Ass.

Now one might conclude that they would be discussing the fineness of her ass. This would be incorrect, though I'm sure it goes without saying.

Mark started the topic out by letting us know that the *real* reason that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up was because Brad stuck his finger up Jennifer's ass and so she kicked him out.

So throughout the evening I have been bombarded with so and so... "stuck his thumb up Jennifer Aniston's ass and she kicked him out." One of our friends has a broken pinkie toe... yep, his story is he broke it sticking it up Jennifer Aniston's ass.

Being the only female privy to this conversation puts me in a unique position. I have suggested that they find another topic of conversation. That was followed up with "well, Angelina Jolie stuck her big toe up my ass and I kicked her out."

I can't win. So I won't try. I'll just report it back to you all. Laughter is the best revenge.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Percocet and Frosties

Ok. I admit it. I am TERRIFIED of the dentist. Like, pee myself scared. Sitting in the waiting room, holding my breath, I feel like vomiting or passing out. Yeah, it's like that.

So, about a year ago I broke the wisdom tooth on my upper left hand side. Painful, yes. But I endured... because, ya know, terrified. I am pretty sure I broke it because I was incredibly stressed out and grinding my teeth a lot at night. And also because I have a very shallow mouth and my teeth are super close together and it's extremely difficult to reach those back teeth.

Anyway, off and on for the year it has caused me some pain. It usually goes away, but when it hurts it is very intense. Well, last week it started hurting. The pain is so strong that it makes me sick to my stomach... highly reminiscent of when I am at the dentist. So, I decide FUCK IT. I'LL GO ALREADY. Only I can't remember the name of the dentist that doesn't make me piss myself when I see him.

On the radio there are always ads for this Drs White and White. I call them because I have resigned myself to either a few hours of hideous discomfort or a lifetime of oral pain. They can't get me in until Monday. Which suck, but mostly because that means all the anticipation can build up and give me time to puss out. I didn't, but I thought about it.

Ok, so I go on Monday. I walk in and they already seem to know me. Freaked me out... they called me Jennifer without my introducing myself. This is when I realize I still have my work ID on. I add this in, not because it's relative to this story, but because it illustrates how ridiculous I feel at that moment.

Sitting in the waiting room, I text message Meredith. Letting her know I'm close to puking/panicking and looking for an escape route. I don't have time for it though, as soon as I send the message they call me back. The Dental assistant's name is Joanne, but she goes by Jo. I immediately like her. This helps more than I can tell you. She gives me a mini-tour of the facility. It's beautiful, state of the art. She leads me to my room and offers me water, apple juice, anything to eat? I decline politely. I am too nervous to drink/eat anything.

I am only sitting in the chair for less than 2 minutes when the dentist walks in.

OH! I forgot to add. When I made the appt. the week before the dentist himself called me to ask me exactly what was wrong with my tooth. I explained what happened and I asked him if I could have some penicillin. I was afraid of becoming infected. I felt a little feverish, ect... Not only did he call in the pen, but he offered me narcotics if I wanted/needed them. I declined. I still have enough of my mother left in me to be wary of taking drugs from strange doctors. I regretted it over the weekend though. I will add that the pen made things better by a lot. But still... NARCOTICS!!! But I digress...

The dentist walks in, very friendly. Asks me how I'm feeling that moment... do I need anything? ect... he takes a look in my mouth and says to get some x-rays.

Anyway, fast forward... it's time to remove the tooth. To prepare me they put headphones on my ears so I could hear soothing piano music. Put sunglasses on my eyes to protect me from the bright white light. And then gave me my very first experience with Nitrous Oxide.

I'd heard bad things about nitrous... how it smelled bad, whatever. It's the GAS OF THE GODS! I <3333 it x 12389723498723498724!!! The only thing I was not crazy about was that even though my body was incredibly relaxed... my mind was still in full form. You know when you get your teeth cleaned you can hear the scraping in echoing in your head? Well even though I didn't feel anything when he pulled the tooth, I could hear it being RIPPED OUT OF MY HEAD. And yeah.... I'd rather not experience that.

SO after the procedure is over... they sit me up and GIVE ME ICECREAM! No joke! Then? He tells me to GO GET A FROSTY FROM WENDY'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lastly? He gave me PERCOCET!!!!!!!

So over all, I love my dentist. He's the awesomest. I mean Percocet AND a Frosty? He knows the way to a woman's heart.

PS It's not possible to read a ton of tiny little numbers when you're enjoying the Percocet. IE don't take it at work.

Thanks to Gumbo girl for drivin' me today.

YAY DRUGS!!!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

oh YAY! ANSWERS!!!!!!

#1 Do you believe in Zombies?

Zombie is a pretty relative term. I work for a major international corporation, so yeah, in that regard I definitely believe in zombies. I also believe in the films of Rob Zombie…but not his music because it makes me embarrassed FOR him since the movies are so good in comparison.

Well, first off, I am sorry to tell you that you FAIL this question. Not because you are wrong but because you took the question to literally. Where's the imagination? The ZEAL?! I hope subsequent questions fair better. :sigh: I expected more.

Second, how can you NOT like "Dragula"? IT's an awesome song. I don't know what it means because I cannot understand him, but it's a great song none-the less.

Overall: C-

#2 In the event of a zombie attack, which would you rather do?
A) Go to a deserted island.
B) Go to Canada.

Neither. Going to Canada for protection is like being Jewish and trying to hide out in France during WWII, and there are no liquor stores or the internet on deserted islands. These colors don’t run. I’ll take myself out like that Mexican lesbian and Bill Paxton in Aliens if it comes down to that. And if I’m with someone who I think might wuss out during a zombie attack, I will kill them just to make a point. And I will eat their corpse in front of the zombies as a way to trick them.

OH SHIT! A+ Awesome answer. +5 points for bringing the LOLs.

3) In the movie "28 Days Later" what are the offending creatures? THINK CAREFULLY. If need be read up on the creation of zombies.

In the classical sense there are three types of “zombies”…. First, there is the zombie created by magical/religious means like voodoo or ancient pagan mystery religions. Second, there is the zombie who is created one at a time by medical/neurological modification, much like Jeffrey Dahmer was trying to do with his victims. Lastly, there is the being created by chemical/biological means which most people would think of as a “zombie”, and is highlighted in films like 28 days later. In a very simplistic sense I could see where this person is a zombie, but in reality they are just victims of some type of chemical warfare much like the “super soldier” experiments that are touched upon in movies like Jacob’s Ladder. Plus, 28 Days Later is just a ripoff of movies like Return of the Living Dead (the only zombie movie anyone needs to watch), so in cheesy movie-world they are zombies. However, if the scenario actually came to pass in the real world I would say they are absolutely NOT zombies….they are just victims of an experiment gone awry. Real zombie movies don’t take that much time explaining how the zombies came to be…….I’m thinking of movies like Night of the Comet and Dawn of the Dead here. 28 Days Later gets too preachy and clinical for these things to be REAL zombies. Plus, even though they are all fast and shit, I could fuck one of them up WAY too easily for them to be a for-real zombie.

B- CORRECT answer. They are NOT ZOMBIES. Mark and I got into an actual screaming match (I had to bring on the tears to stop him, yeah, it was like THAT.) over this question. But points lost for slamming the movie. Ripoff or not, it's a great movie, unlike it's sequel, which is marginal at best.

4) Do you know any Cyborgs?

No

Excellent. This was not a graded question. Just a matter of public safety.

5) Do you have access to a laser rifle?

I do not, but I do have access to firearms with laser scopes on them.

Not the same thing, we're all safe. WHEW!!!

6) If you do know any cyborgs, do they have access to the laser rifles?

See question 4.

7) If you had to become something undead, what would it be? and why?

Probably a communion wafer in a Catholic church…..they believe in transubstantiation.

A+ That answer made me snort. Not an easy thing to do!


8) Have you ever spent time at sea with Pirates?

I live in Missouri, so the closest I could come would be running into some Riverboat thugs like Huckleberry Finn and Injun Joe.

C- Answer unclear. Is this a yes or a no?

9) If you had your choice would you spend your Thursday nights watching a Dog Reality show on CBS or ANYTHING ELSE?

As long as it wasn’t on at the same time as The Office, I’d definitely watch a show about dogs……unless it’s Groomer Has It, which totally sucks. And I did have sex with the Dog Wheeesperer.

F because I don't know what to say to that last part. But bonus points for liking The Office.

10) Coke or pepsi? YOU MUST HAVE A LOYALTY.

If I had to pick one it would be coke. I don’t drink that much cola, especially not diet cola because there are far superior diet sodas. Coke is just something to mix with bourbon…..but the bourbon has to be pretty cheap (like Old Crow) to ruin it with soda, in which case I generally opt for RC Cola over Coke. However, between Coke and Pepsi I do choose Coke.

FAIL. It was a trick question. You don't have to have loyalty.

Overall, I give you a B+. I'm impressed with the answers to #2 and #7. You pass. Good job!!!!

Gentle readers,

A reader of mine posted a comment inquiring about the previous blog. She asked some excellent questions:

So this is kind of like an interview for him?
Yes it is.

Are there actually right or wrong answers, or is it the time and effort taken when answering the questions that is the deciding factor for you?
Both really. There are not really any "wrong" answers per say... but there are answers that are better than the rest. Remember those tests in college with the multiple choice questions and the instructions are to "Choose the BEST answer"? This is the objective.... well, minus the actual multiple choice part of it.

Do you do this for all your friends perspective boyfriends??
No, oddly enough just for this one friend.

To give a more serious reply... The questions hold little to no validity nor do they actually lend influence as to whether or not I will like him. More so, it's a warning for the boyfriends. See, Me and mine... well... we have what one might call a warped sense of humor. And if you're gonna hang with us, it's really important that this be, at least, tolerated. It's better if it's joined in with, because, let's face it/not to toot my own horn, we're damn funny people. Like LOL or LMAO or LMFAO or even ROTFLMFAO funny. I mean pick your acronym, any acronym, they're all accurate.

From what I have read about Jerry (see his blog: Unsaved Loved Ones ) he is wicked funny and should have no problem lasting us out... well, maybe not Jessica (she's meaner than the rest of us, I KID! I KID!) But we'll see. Stay tuned for updates.

Thanks for your questions.
Cheers,
Jenn

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Questions for Jerry

So, next month I get to meet my best friend's new boyfriend. I am nervous because the last one... well... he didn't like me. So, now I get to meet the new one and I want him to like me... but I'm scared. What if he doesn't answer the questions right? It's IMPERATIVE that he answer my questions not only accurately, but with zeal and imagination.

The following is an example of the sorts of questions that he will face upon his arrival in the BIG VA.

#1 Do you believe in Zombies?

#2 In the event of a zombie attack, which would you rather do?
A) Go to a deserted island.
B) Go to Canada.

The mister and I are at odds on the above question, so he should really concentrate and answer correctly if he wishes to get into my good graces.

3) In the movie "28 Days Later" what are the offending creatures? THINK CAREFULLY. If need be read up on the creation of zombies.

4) Do you know any Cyborgs?

5) Do you have access to a laser rifle?

6) If you do know any cyborgs, do they have access to the laser rifles?

7) If you had to become something undead, what would it be? and why?

8) Have you ever spent time at sea with Pirates?

9) If you had your choice would you spend your Thursday nights watching a Dog Reality show on CBS or ANYTHING ELSE?

10) Coke or pepsi? YOU MUST HAVE A LOYALTY.

10 sample questions that I expect thorough, well thought-out answers to. We'll see how much effort he puts into his response. It should be interesting.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Monday, July 7, 2008

YAY and NAY, but... MOSTLY YAY!!!!

Why the caps you're thinking? Or maybe you're not thinking it, but if you spend any time in the e-world, you'd be thinking it.

Well, first the "YAY"s! (in no particular order, except for the first two. They're the rockin'est.)

1) SCHOOL IS FINISHED FOR THIS SEMESTER!!!!!
I am so grateful. I finished the semester. I passed! It's OVER!
2) Recuperating!!!!
I have sixish weeks to recuperate from the semester from hell.
3) SEWING!!!!
Starting tomorrow my good friend Angie and I are taking a(nother) sewing class. It's to make a table runner. I am actually making one for the entertainment center in the big room. It's got turquoise and bright green and browns. My favorite colors!!!
4) Swimming!!!
I am so enjoy my swimming. My only problem is that I don't want to get up early enough on Saturday mornings to get to the swimming place.
5) Getting my house Organized!!!!
Why is this a yay? I'm not sure, other than it really is a necessary evil and I have time to do it.
6) DINNER!!
I had dinner w/ my good friend Jessica. It was an awesome burger and fries and onion rings capped off with a chocolate raspberry shake. YUM! It was GREAT!!!!
7) SHARPIE PEN!!!
OMG I MUST HAVE IT!!!! The commercial says it doesn't bleed through paper!!

NAYs:

1) My bestest friend is stuck in freakin' Chicago. Her flight got canceled and she's stuck in a hotel room. That meant we didn't get to have dinner and I probably won't get to see her until at least, Wednesday, if not later. BOO!

2) I have to work all the sixish weeks that I am out of school. SUCKS.

3) This fall is going to be really really fucking hard. Like depressingly so.


So this is my life right now. Slower, but still busy. It's good though, ya know? Really good. Happiness is totally underrated. :)