Birds nest on my front porch!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms, grandmoms, terrific Aunts and cousins and Godmothers... everyone who loves anyone like a parent would love a child. Here's to you, CHEERS!!!

So today was a rough day, but I had a fun little surprise from my Mens today.  Mark came home from working and picked up Quinn and took him to the hardware store to pick up something or another.  They walk in from that and Mark says to Quinn to show me what he has... Quinn has the BEST smile. Ear to Ear. He hands me the mother's day card and then comes to me for a hug... these two things were the most glorious things ever.  He doesn't know about Mother's day, but he was excited to give me the card and the hug. He is just so awesome. 

So the card is sweet, of course.  Then Mark says they picked out a couple of things for our new house.  A gnome for good luck. The gnome is awesome. Not a traditional gnome, an awesome fun gnome.  And a beautiful wooden red cardinal. 

A few years ago Mark bought a chubby blue bird for his Nana.  But I loved it so I told him I wanted to keep it and he got me another one. So they sit side-by-side, aka love birds.  Also recently, Mark has started yelling "RED BIRD" every time he sees a cardinal.  So the other day I started yelling out anything I saw... squirrel, leaf, flower... all of it. It became a big joke. Hence the red bird.

My boys love me. I love them. They make every day worth the effort of putting on my big girl panties and being an adult. <3

:sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

Personal demons are the very worst.  It seems like they just never go away. Try as I may to squelch them, they rear their ugly heads, breathe their fire, and drag me back into their neurosis. 

We're broke. Not just broke. BUT B.R.O.K.E.  We are on the verge of gathering up some sticks from the yard, tying some bandannas and marching 1x1 down the street with our hobo sticks.  Can you see it? Mark, then me, then Quinn crawling his happy crawl, followed by Thor and the cats, all with different color bandannas.  We can carry a change of underwear and some bread and water.  Maybe we'll let Quinn carry a toy, or maybe he can use his Kawaski 4 wheeler and ride it down the street rather than crawling his happy crawl.

We grew up poor. It seems like all my friends did, but we were really poor. My parents bought their first house after 26 years of marriage and I'm about to lose mine at age 37.  I think about it and I didn't want Quinn to grow up in an apartment or trailer or whatnot. I wanted us to be in a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks (not that we have sidewalks now, but whatever.) And the simple fact that we're not there right now is killing me. Irrational, I know, but I feel like, he's only ONE and I've already fucked his life up.  I get that he doesn't know the difference and he can't possibly care.  I get that I'm not really that bad off and if financial struggles is the worst that my small family has to face then I WIN.  I know these things, but it doesn't ward off the feelings of failure or inadequacy.  

The very real reality is that I can take care of Quinn. I dont have to RUSH back to work (not that the job market is cooperating with me), but I can wait for the right job. I can raise my son for a bit and take care of our new home and take care of myself. And these things are GOOD things.  Getting rid of all the crap that we've surrounded ourselves with? A very good thing. 

If I could just beat these demons back then the forecast would be Sunny with a chance of Kick Ass. (Thanks Beckett.)