I Heart Nathan Fillion!!!

This morning when I get off of work at 7:30 am I am going to go have a Castle marathon to catch up on the season. 

I first fell in love with Mr. Fillion during "Firefly" then "Serenity"... he was a creepy preacher on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" also.  He is such a fun actor and he's done so much work with Joss Whedon, who creates such great shows and characters you just have to adore him. 

So now he's had his own show, Castle, for a few seasons now.  The show is so much fun. It is a very modern "Murder She Wrote."  Now, wait, I know that sounds horrible... but in todays world, so much tv is based on sex or drugs or violence... not that those are bad things. Shows like "Breaking Bad" are clever and smart.  But it's refreshing to watch a show that has humor and drama and easy murder mysteries.  That's what Murder She Wrote was for me as a kid.  My family and I would watch it on Sunday nights. It came on CBS, I think, at 8pm. We would sit all together in the living room with our notepads and watch the show and write down our opinions of "whodoneit." I was never right. At least I don't remember being right.  I'm often right these days, but that doesn't take away the fun factor.

So yeah, I enjoy it so very much.  His Character, Rick Castle, is suave and nerdy at the same time. I love his off-the-wall theories and ideas. He's great. Becket, his romantic interest, is ok. She's the dry no-nonsense half, which the show needs, but it makes her less interesting to me.

So watch it. It's great!

Disappointing people

First, I'll admit, I'm not always easy to deal with, live with, be with. I'm sure Mark could attest to that, though I don't think he would admit it.  But to be fair to myself, I'm a really nice person. Like REALLY nice. I'm thoughtful and generous and when I love you, there's no getting out of it.

The last week has been rough though.  With the anniversary of my mom's passing I wanted my family to be together. Not to mourn, though that is always part of things this time of year, but to just be.  My sister doesn't care for my dad's girlfriend and so refused to join us.  It's petty and attention-seeking behavior, but it annoys me all the same. Why not put that aside to be with us? Why punish me, dad, your nephew just to show your tail? I don't get it. It was really disappointing. I really needed her this weekend.  I am not one to reach out when I need help, but I did this time and she shot me down.  She says she's coming down next weekend, but I'll be shocked if she does.

Then... grrrrr... my sister-in-law is a peach.  She and her husband went on a vacation. They brought back my two nephews gifts, but nothing for Quinn.  I don't need them to spend money on my kid... but it bothered me that they'd snub him that way. Why not be fair? Treat all three of them equally? She doesn't like me, so I'm 100% sure that was what the issue was and this was her way of showing me.  I get it. Thanks for the update, the feeling is mutual- especially if you keep doing shit like this.  I don't want my boy's feelings hurt over stuff like this.  He doesn't deserve to be excluded, it's not his fault that we don't get along. I know he doesn't "get it" right now and the other two getting presents isn't affecting him at all... but it will, and soon. He's a smart kid and he'll pick up on it. What do I tell him? Sorry they don't like me so you don't get to be treated nicely? That's not cool. Not cool at all.

In good news tonight... when Mark was putting Quinn to bed I was laying down to rest before work tonight.  Mark got him dressed in his pj's and Quinn came running into our bedroom and cried to get up on our bed with me.  He (voluntarily) gave me a big, fat, wet night-night kiss. GOD BLESS that boy! I love him more than there are words.

11 years... unbelievable.

Today, at about 5:45 am will mark the 11th year since my mom, Libby, passed away. It is really difficult to fathom that it has been this long. So many things have changed since 2000.  I got divorced, remarried, had a baby, 4 miscarriages, became estranged and reconnected with my dad and sister... we bought a house, lost a house, moved to the ghetto (Prince George style.) just to name a few of the bigger items.

And yet, after all this, I know she'd still be proud of me. Concerned about me maybe, but proud just the same.   If all this had happened and I didn't have Quinn I would not feel this way. But having him has changed my perspective. I get it. I know that if he were in my situation and had been through what I have, I would still love him so fiercely that I could not feel anything but pride.  It's so good to know she'd feel this way. Still... I miss her so much. I tell Quinn about her all the time. I show him pictures. I sing him her favorite songs. I tell him how incredibly much she would be in love with him and how I know she is so sad she can't be there to tell him herself.  I guess I just have to love him double time for the both of us.

If I could tell her one thing... RIP mom. We're O.K.

Stand It Up

A friend of mine, Mike, has started a really interesting blog. It mostly revolves around training, but he also talks about live, love, relationships.  His viewpoints are fresh and intelligent and really well written.  Help a brother out, follow his blog and tell your friends.

OR ELSE. (I don't know or else what.)

Birds nest on my front porch!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms, grandmoms, terrific Aunts and cousins and Godmothers... everyone who loves anyone like a parent would love a child. Here's to you, CHEERS!!!

So today was a rough day, but I had a fun little surprise from my Mens today.  Mark came home from working and picked up Quinn and took him to the hardware store to pick up something or another.  They walk in from that and Mark says to Quinn to show me what he has... Quinn has the BEST smile. Ear to Ear. He hands me the mother's day card and then comes to me for a hug... these two things were the most glorious things ever.  He doesn't know about Mother's day, but he was excited to give me the card and the hug. He is just so awesome. 

So the card is sweet, of course.  Then Mark says they picked out a couple of things for our new house.  A gnome for good luck. The gnome is awesome. Not a traditional gnome, an awesome fun gnome.  And a beautiful wooden red cardinal. 

A few years ago Mark bought a chubby blue bird for his Nana.  But I loved it so I told him I wanted to keep it and he got me another one. So they sit side-by-side, aka love birds.  Also recently, Mark has started yelling "RED BIRD" every time he sees a cardinal.  So the other day I started yelling out anything I saw... squirrel, leaf, flower... all of it. It became a big joke. Hence the red bird.

My boys love me. I love them. They make every day worth the effort of putting on my big girl panties and being an adult. <3

:sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

Personal demons are the very worst.  It seems like they just never go away. Try as I may to squelch them, they rear their ugly heads, breathe their fire, and drag me back into their neurosis. 

We're broke. Not just broke. BUT B.R.O.K.E.  We are on the verge of gathering up some sticks from the yard, tying some bandannas and marching 1x1 down the street with our hobo sticks.  Can you see it? Mark, then me, then Quinn crawling his happy crawl, followed by Thor and the cats, all with different color bandannas.  We can carry a change of underwear and some bread and water.  Maybe we'll let Quinn carry a toy, or maybe he can use his Kawaski 4 wheeler and ride it down the street rather than crawling his happy crawl.

We grew up poor. It seems like all my friends did, but we were really poor. My parents bought their first house after 26 years of marriage and I'm about to lose mine at age 37.  I think about it and I didn't want Quinn to grow up in an apartment or trailer or whatnot. I wanted us to be in a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks (not that we have sidewalks now, but whatever.) And the simple fact that we're not there right now is killing me. Irrational, I know, but I feel like, he's only ONE and I've already fucked his life up.  I get that he doesn't know the difference and he can't possibly care.  I get that I'm not really that bad off and if financial struggles is the worst that my small family has to face then I WIN.  I know these things, but it doesn't ward off the feelings of failure or inadequacy.  

The very real reality is that I can take care of Quinn. I dont have to RUSH back to work (not that the job market is cooperating with me), but I can wait for the right job. I can raise my son for a bit and take care of our new home and take care of myself. And these things are GOOD things.  Getting rid of all the crap that we've surrounded ourselves with? A very good thing. 

If I could just beat these demons back then the forecast would be Sunny with a chance of Kick Ass. (Thanks Beckett.)