For baby...

Listening to one of my favorite songs...

To Make You Feel My Love
Written by : Mr. Bob Dylan

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Crazy Anxiety!

I'm insane! Or I feel insane most of the time anyway.

The first half of this week I forgot my Anti-crazy pills and by Wednesday I was exhausted and emotional. Once I realized I'd forgotten it, I felt better. And once I took it, I felt even better.

I've been having troubles regulating my glucose levels. So I worry about that 24/7. Everything I read indicates that out-of-control glucose levels can easily lead to miscarriage. So I'm worried, worried all the time.

And I'm tired and I can't stand the thought of working my second job anymore. I secretly hope that my OB will tell me it's too stressful and I should quit. Ha! I will be considered "high risk" so there's a chance. If I did quit then I could sew and maybe make some money selling stuff. I would love that.

My ultrasound is August 31st. I just have to hold on until then. I'm been telling her to hold on too. We just both have to get through this time and then we'll be together.

Maybe I should title this blog "Crazy AND Anxiety"...

Test Results #2!

Beta (HCG) was 412!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? cause I can't! I'm in shock.

Progesterone was 16.8.

I'm so happy. I keep welling up with tears. It's just so awesome, all of it. I felt some nausea yesterday... I notice my breasts are more tender today! Bring it on! I can't wait!

After all my whining and crying and pouting...

The results are in!

My #1 HCG MIU is 155mg. (Click "HCG" to link to information about the levels.) This is an AWESOME #!!

So Thursday we go in for HCG #2 and a Progesterone level. We're looking for the HCG to be above 310 and the progesterone to be around: 9-47 ug/ml

:Fingers crossed: This is good news!

I gave in...

I called the RE's off ice yesterday (reproductive endocrinologist) and told them I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. They are insistent on my coming in and taking a serum pregnancy test. I resist. Not because I'm a difficult patient (I'm not), but because with the last pregnancy, all those numbers being thrown at me just made me feel slightly insane.

I talked to my PCP and I talked to Mark and my friends... all of them insisted that I go and get the blood test.

The thing about the test is that it's not the end-all, be-all of what's going on with the baby. It does give an idea... but it's not all you look at. And they run the test again 48 hours later and the titer should double during that time... so from the moment you get the first number you're waiting for a million years for the second number. If they don't double exactly, they make you take it AGAIN. Hence the insanity... the waiting and waiting and waiting... Sigh.

I guess I have been feeling like if I take this test, then that means there's a chance my pregnancy might be over. That is so so sad. I just cried and cried on my way to the lab to get my blood drawn. I mean, I did it... I went... I just couldn't help being so upset.

I just want so bad to stay pregnant. I want to live in my little fantasy land where the baby is healthy and growing and safe and I am healthy and safe and we're happy and Mark is proud of us. I talk to the baby all the time, telling her how important she is, how much we want her and love her already. I hope she can hear me.

Sugar vs Caffeine...

Pregnancy dilemma numero uno :

I picked up chicken sandwiches for the Mister and myself and they came with drinks... so I get Sprite, which has sugar but no caffeine? or diet coke which has caffeine but no sugar.

So much to think about. If it were early in the day I would get the diet coke... but this late in the day, the caffeine makes me go to the bathroom all night long... so I got the sprite.

Lil' Mobster and I are doin' just fine. I had some spotting this morning, but it went away. I didn't freak out either. I was proud. It seemed like normal, old stuff that my body is getting rid of to make room for the baby.

Anyway... so moms out there, what did you decide with regards to this issues? Consume caffeine or consume sugar?

On or Around April 17th, 2010...

There'll *hopefully* be a new little Mobster entering into the world.

I just found out this past Thursday that I am 4 weeks pregnant. We've been trying to get pregnant ever since we got married. A year and a half ago we got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Also several years ago my first husband I had a miscarriage as well.

So while we are so so so so excited... we are also scared and nervous and, yeah, wicked excited!!!

So... anyone that's interested, throw a little prayer or two our way. Mobster Baby needs them... as does Mom and Dad Mobster.

“The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.” Anais Nin

Some things changes and some things stay the same..

I suck for not having posted anything in a long time... things are stressful right now and I'm having a hard time putting my emotions into words suitable for public viewing. I'm working on it though... so here's a life-update.

Things are crazy in Jennland these days. I don't know if I'm coming or going or going backwards or left or right or standing still. Even as I am being pulled in multiple directions, all things lead to moving forward, so that's what we do. Trek through the mud as if it's not even there.

The last post I made I had to take down. It was raw and emotional and I wasn't ready to share that with the general public. I still have it, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to wear my heart on my sleeve... right now, though, I'm tucking it away for a while. It's got a few bruises that need mending. I apologize for the teaser post. I am a basket full of nerves and emotions lately (my husband would say, Just lately??!)

So, what have I been doing? Well... besides working, I am having fun with some art projects... applique mostly. I'm not very good at it, but that's why we practice and take classes! Ha! I have a Statistics class starting this month that I desperately need to register for. I'm sure you'll be bombarded with "I fucking hate this" posts shortly thereafter. ;)

I'm writing. For the first time in a long time... a fiction short-story. I can't remember the last time I did that. It's incredibly fun. If I get a decent amount written, I'll share it maybe. It's different than anything I've ever written before, but I really like it.

And of course... Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. That's the sound my ovaries make when I wake up in the mornings, well and at night... Hell, all day long! Heh. I kid, sort of. We're working on it. I should know something this weekend for this cycle... but par-for-the-course... we're not getting excited or hopeful. No we're not. That just makes people (ME) sad. We don't want that now do we? No, we don't. I can't up my crazy people pills without consent of the doctor!

I am glad we actually got to try this cycle though. It had been a while since it worked in our favor, so that part was very good. I take small blessings where I can get them.

I am on nights this week. I seem to feel the most creative (at least verbally) in the wee hours of the morning. Tonight though, I am wicked tired... so I do realize this post isn't the least bit interesting and is probably full of grotesque spelling errors. I do apologize for that part. 6 more hours and I can sleep (It's 2am here.)

Well, that's it. I'm gonna be a better blogger in the future. I swear it! Well... I hope it anyway.