My First Mother's Day!

In the past, I have always felt as if the word "Mother" was a relative term (no pun intended.) Having dealt directly with infertility for round about 9 years now, I wondered if it was a coping mechanism to feel as if I was a mother even without having any living flesh babies. Now that my son is here, I know that I know that it wasn't. It's different, of course, to have your own living flesh and blood squirming around in your arms as opposed to a pup licking your face or a kit nuzzling your arm... but that difference doesn't take away from the intention of love and care-giving.

So celebrate! If you're a Mom, a want-to-be Mom, a caring Aunt Mom, a Cat Mom, a dog Mom, a foster Mom, an adoptive Mom, a Mom to Angels, a step-Mom... Celebrate and know that giving birth to a baby doesn't make you any more or less of a Mom than all the love and care you give the living, breathing blessings in your life.

A special note to all my friends still dealing with infertility: You are loved. Your day will come. Never give up hope. My hopes, dreams, and prayers are with you every day during this journey, just as yours were with me. I could not have dealt with the ups and downs of my fertility issues without you. My son is proof positive that the journey is worth the work.

Another special note to my Mom: I miss you more today than ever before. Your Grandson is an amazing, beautiful baby. The only thing today lacks is your presence. I love you.

Have a great Mother's day everyone!
Jennifer

My Sundae is almost complete!

So... God willing, our son will be here 4 weeks from tomorrow. I am simultaneously exciting and fucking terrified. Not of labor. Labor won't be a big deal... ok, it'll be a big deal, but then it'll be over. But... terrified of being a mom for the first time. What if I fuck up my kid? What if he hates me... not in the teenage angst sorta way, but in the very real leaving and never speaking to me again way.

What if he loves Mark more than he loves me? What if Thor hates him and we have to get rid of the dog? What if he gets sick and I can't make him better? What if I lose my job and we end up being hobos walking down the street with our hobo sticks with matching handkerchiefs?

What if he's not smart? What if he doesn't have a great sense-of-humor? What if he's ugly?

Then I wonder, will he have brown eyes like me? Green eyes like Mark? Blue eyes like his uncles and aunt? He might have red hair when he's born... we're very freckled, Mark and I... what if he ends up being teased all his life?

What if he's fat like me? I don't want him to be fat. It terrifies me. I already love him so much I want him to be perfect (as perfect as he possible can be).

The other thing... I MISS MY MOM. LIke crazy, teary-eyed, thinking about her ALL THE TIME MISS HER. I keep thinking if she were here, I'd feel better about these crazy things. Or at least less manic about them. She could tell me I'm stoopid and to shut up about it. I can't turn this inner voice off. I don't know how. I mean, ok, it's not a 24/7 kind of worry... if it were, please, God, medicate me... but these fleeting thoughts are clear and present regularly.

Not to worry... the good stuff is there too. MY SON will be here before I can blink! The day I've waited for for YEARS AND YEARS is right around the corner. My family is almost complete. I honestly never thought I would get to this point of my life. Even with all he above angst... I know he's going to be an amazing child. How can he not? No child has ever been more wanted or loved than this one... it's not possible. <3 <3 <3

Insomnia for the win!

Well, I didn't realize I hadn't update anything since before Christmas... a lot has happened in the last two months.

First... Quinn is almost here. 40 more days and he'll be with us! I can't wait. I never imagined it would ever be here. Yet here it is, almost upon us.

We had an ultrasound this past Thursday. He was so shy showing us his goods in the other two big ultrasounds, but in this one it was ALL he wanted to show. Finally the tech was able to get past his package and he's weighing 4lbs15oz and measuring just a few days ahead. Everything is still looking good with him. Dr. Wiles agreed to induce on April 8th. We don't want him to get bigger and I want to make sure I can stay home the full 6 weeks after he's born too.

Our shower is next next weekend. I'm very excited about all that attention. It really just amazes me that it's really here. Very surreal.

So I'm out of work until after he's born. I'm stressed out at work and needing a break. Plus I can't keep my glucose levels normal and I'm dehydrated. So I'm chillin'... and all of it, life, ect... has got me not sleeping. Hence my very boring essay at 640am on Sunday morning when I should be sleeping. Ha.

Ok.. gonna try to sleep. I'll write something much more witty later on.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Everywhere you go... la la la

We're having a snow storm!!! We haven't had a snow, a real snow, in december in YEARS. If ever. It's beautiful and wonderful and I'm just glad it's on the weekend and I don't have to worry about getting to and from work!!!

Pictures tomorrow!!!

Things I am Thankful for

Happy Thanksgiving folks. I hope everyone is having a wonderful time with family and friends and enjoying a feast! If you've read me before, you're aware that I enjoy making lists, so here's my list of things to be grateful for:

1) My husband. He is a man to compare all men to. He's thoughtful and kind and handsome and smart and he pushes me up when I am down.
2) My marriage. You might think this is the same as #1, but you can have good people in a bad marriage (see marriage numero uno.) The strength of my marriage surpasses what I ever thought I would have in life. I can't imagine not being with him.
3) Quinn. Our growing boy. It took a long time to get him going, but it was worth every effort, every struggle, every tear... I would do it again in a heartbeat.
4) Our family. We may not see eye-to-eye, but I still appreciate that the members of our families are good, solid people.
5) Our home. Not just the house, though I like that too... but this place we've built together. It's better to be here than any other place in the world.
6) My friends. All of you. Without you I wouldn't have any of the above. The strength they lend me, the honesty and love they share with me is unfathomable in a world like ours today. I am exceedingly lucky to know who I know. And even luckier to be cared for by them.
7) Being able to sit at the table and decorate pinecone cakes and listen to bad hip-hop music all with my husband. It's sometimes the simple things in life that mean the most.
8) My job. While it frustrates me and isn't always what I'd wish it to be, it's a good job with a good salary. In our economy I am lucky to have it.
9) My pets. Their unconditional love is always a surprise.
10) My history. I've made mistakes along the way, as everyone has. But without the people I've known, the events I have lived through, I would not be the person I am today. And I LIKE the person I am today.

I hope you and your loved ones can rouse up at least 10 things to be grateful and give thanks for this holiday season. May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.

Love Always,
Jennifer

The Mighty Quinn

We had our 20 week ultrasound this morning and we were VERY PLEASED to discover that our baby is a boy. We have named him Quinn (the middle name to be determined, we're leaning toward Robert.) Here's some grainy ultrasound photos.


His Profile:

His foot. This is my very favorite. It's so cute a perfect, tiny foot!!! <3<3<3

Facing front and his arm:


There are a few others on my facebook, but these are the best. We heard his heartbeat for the first time, 152 bpm. So beautiful. He's measuring perfect... all of the measurements. He's so awesome. It's just so hard to believe that we're finally getting this amazing gift. I am in shock and disbelief most days. It's hard too, to know there's nothing wrong when there's been stuff wrong at every turn with the conception. But now, after all that we experienced today and how much love I feel for my little man, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and try to put my worries aside. He's on his way and he's perfect. And I feel like it's ok to accept that now. It's still scary, I admit it... but it's just cause I love him so so so much.

Confidential to My Mom...

Wow... 9 years already? Sometimes, a lot of the time, it feels like yesterday. Things are so different now. I miss you so much.

Well, the big news is that I'm carrying your grandchild. After all these years and trying so hard... it's a scary relief to be pregnant finally. We'll know in 3 weeks if it's a boy or a girl. The names we've got picked out so far are Elizabeth Jewel (after you, of course and Mark's mom) and Quinn Robert (we just like Quinn and Robert is Mark's late Uncle's name.) ... the boy's name is subject to change, but the girl's name is set in stone.

Anyway... I love you, Mom. I will always love you. I miss you very much. I will give the baby extra hugs for you, I know you would want that. Dad is VERY excited!! So is Suzanne!

Until Next Year,
Jennifer