Post #2 and #3- Mortality and depression

11/02/2012

I am 38 and 1/2 years old. My mother died 12 years ago (tomorrow) at age 48. 9 and 1/2 years from now I'll be her age. She fought cancer for a year and a half. A HARD year and a half. She was young. Her children were young adults (26 and 22.) It wasn't fair. It was hard and ugly and frustrating. 

I woman I know, an incredible person really. She is 35. Her battle with cancer seems to be coming to an end much more quickly than it should. She's not winning the fight. She has VERY young children (8 and 7.) They are beautiful and smart and losing their mother much much too early.  This really isn't fair. It's really hard and really ugly and really frustrating and I'm a practical stranger to her. I can't fathom being near to her or, God forbid, in her shoes. 

Another woman I know lost her mother earlier this year. Our Nana and my Grandfather aren't going to be around for all that much longer. Beautiful people taken. At least Nana and Grandpa have lived good, full lives. They shouldn't have regrets and we should celebrate their long lives instead of weeping for their passing.... but, how? How does one deal with the loss and not lose parts of themselves? To not feel sorry for ourselves? I still have days where I feel so pitiful that my mom is gone.  Then I feel pathetic and stupid that I feel so sorry for myself.

TBC...

11/03/2012

So today is the 12th anniversary of Mom's death. 12 years without her telling me what to do, nagging me about this or that, 2&1/2 years with Quinn who she'll never meet. 6&1/2 years with Mark who she will never meet.

I spend a lot of time inside my head. I'm not a social person anymore. I just spent 6 days at home only leaving the house twice in between shifts. Once, only because it was Halloween and I had to go take Quinn around and once because Mark was going to be late getting home and I had to pick Quinn up.  And, you know what? I liked it. I liked being by myself. I loved the silence, the calm of the quiet. I was with Quinn and Mark for three days solid, then I had three days to myself. It was a nice mixture.

I have good friends, good family. I don't see them often. Three years ago, I had a lot of girlfriends and we saw each other every Friday night. Coffee at the bookstore followed by magazine reading. Maybe sushi for dinner, sometimes a movie.  Now? I see them once a month, if that. We moved and everyone is a lifetime away from me now. 

A couple weeks back I had (another) terrible grocery store incident. I've sworn off grocery shopping for the rest of my life. The incident was nothing really, just my credit card declined.  I actually felt so distraught over the stupid situation that I felt worthless. It's not just because it was declined. It's because it was declined the very day after I got paid. I work and work and work. I work night shift and extra shifts and still I.HAVE.NO.MONEY. 

Ok, I realize that these topics don't seem to go together really, but they do. I'm in a moderately severe depression.  I don't know what to do about it. Should I go see someone? I've taken Lexapro for 8 years now. EIGHT YEARS! I really don't know what to do.  Mark wants another baby... the idea of that makes me feel like I am going to hyperventilate. I need to lose weight. I need to organize my life. I need... I need... I need so much that finding a starting point to help me make things better is so fucking difficult I find it impossible.  So when things are too hectic, when they seem to difficult, do nothing. That's my mantra.