My mom used to call my dad a "Stamp collector" saying he would hold all his emotions and ill-feelings in. Collecting all the wrong-doings until he had enough and then he would sort of explode. The explosions were short lived, I know, I have his temperament.
My mom died almost 10 years ago. For 9 and 1/2 of those years I wasn't angry. I didn't place "blame" it was what it was and it is what it is. But ever since Quinn was born... no before that. When the pregnancy started becoming difficult and I started having problems at work, I started to feel abandoned by her.
I kept pushing those feelings down, refusing to allow myself to feel them. But the more things that come up with Quinn, the more I feel isolated. I know it's whiny, but it's not fair that I don't have my mom to talk to about my boy. And the more I let myself feel things about this, about her, the madder I get. I feel like I need to be angry. I need to point fingers and yell "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" There is no logic in this, that's why it's so hard for me to just let go and feel.
So I don't know what to do. I reached out to my Aunt, her sister, to try to reconnect. I thought that would help. It blew up in my face and made me feel worse. I have attempted to find a surrogate... it helps, but only a little. I keep thinking I need to let it go, to stop feeling so angry and thinking about it ALL THE TIME. It's a determent to my relationships. But I can't seem to take that first step.
And I'm tired of feeling like it's a crutch. "I'm sad cause my mom died"... ten years ago. It sound ridiculous and stupid and emotionally stunted. Maybe I am emotionally stunted. I've always felt like I was years ahead of my peers emotionally. I understand relationships, I understand people in the relationships and I'm good, really good, at seeing things from all sides. But I can't seem to do this right. Not just for myself, but for everyone.
Also, I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of trying not to cry, of sleeping to distract myself... all of it. I want to be me again. I want to think about my mom and feel good. Enough emotional self-flagellation. So if you have any ideas of how to dig myself up out of a hole, feel free to send them my way. TIA. :/
My mom died almost 10 years ago. For 9 and 1/2 of those years I wasn't angry. I didn't place "blame" it was what it was and it is what it is. But ever since Quinn was born... no before that. When the pregnancy started becoming difficult and I started having problems at work, I started to feel abandoned by her.
I kept pushing those feelings down, refusing to allow myself to feel them. But the more things that come up with Quinn, the more I feel isolated. I know it's whiny, but it's not fair that I don't have my mom to talk to about my boy. And the more I let myself feel things about this, about her, the madder I get. I feel like I need to be angry. I need to point fingers and yell "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" There is no logic in this, that's why it's so hard for me to just let go and feel.
So I don't know what to do. I reached out to my Aunt, her sister, to try to reconnect. I thought that would help. It blew up in my face and made me feel worse. I have attempted to find a surrogate... it helps, but only a little. I keep thinking I need to let it go, to stop feeling so angry and thinking about it ALL THE TIME. It's a determent to my relationships. But I can't seem to take that first step.
And I'm tired of feeling like it's a crutch. "I'm sad cause my mom died"... ten years ago. It sound ridiculous and stupid and emotionally stunted. Maybe I am emotionally stunted. I've always felt like I was years ahead of my peers emotionally. I understand relationships, I understand people in the relationships and I'm good, really good, at seeing things from all sides. But I can't seem to do this right. Not just for myself, but for everyone.
Also, I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of trying not to cry, of sleeping to distract myself... all of it. I want to be me again. I want to think about my mom and feel good. Enough emotional self-flagellation. So if you have any ideas of how to dig myself up out of a hole, feel free to send them my way. TIA. :/
2 comments:
Hey Jenn, just happened to peek in today for the first time in a while. I don't think it sounds ridiculous or stupid at all! Sounds honest and real. Of course you miss your mother. Being one yourself makes you more keenly aware of her absence, no matter how long she's been gone, and this is when you really need her. And it really is so unfair. I won't claim to know how you feel, but I do have some history with bottling up feelings for years and years. I'm no expert, but the best advice I can give is to try to find a safe way to really feel those feelings. Talking to someone you trust but who's not so close to the emotions and won't judge you, journaling, painting, hurling stuff at a brick wall - anything - but try to get to the heart of what you're feeling, even if it doesn't make much sense for a while. And cry your eyes out for a few minutes if you need to! Stuff like that just holds you hostage emotionally otherwise, and as you know, it will find it's way out one way or another, so better not to put it off until it explodes. At the same time, try not to spend too much time inside your own head, if you kwim. That's always been one of the things that can easily send me going downhill. I'm realy sorry things didn't work out with your aunt. Sounded like a good thing to try, though. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Sending hugs, though I wish I could give you a real one instead. I'm always free if you need a good listener, too. :)
You made me all teary-eyed. I guess just hearing that it's ok to feel what I'm feeling really helps, so THANK YOU! And I appreciate the offer for an ear. I am doing exactly that, trying to find an outlet. I dont want to keep feeling so down in the dumps all the time. So I wrote the blog and left it for public consumption. Plus, I'm taking a writing class this semester, so I'd expect to see a lot more where this came from.
Thanks again. Validation goes a long-long way!
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