Jumping Ship

Well folks... I have been a lazy, inattentive blogger. Part of it is I have had nothing to say. Another part is I need a new start. There are some things going on in my world that need their own attention.  So, I have parted ways with Blogger and taken up with her arch nemesis Wordpress. If you are so inclined, please feel free to follow me over there. I would MORE than love the company.

http://lettingmyselflose.wordpress.com/

Cheers,
Jennifer

2012 Year in Review

2012 has most definitely been MUCH better than 2011 was. 2010 only beat it out because Quinn was born that year and that was AWESOME.








Positives:



I got a 14% raise, in two increments (One 12% market increase in summer, and then the typical 2% yearly.)



I got a new car with better payments.



All our bills are up-to-date.



We're working on buying the house we're living in.



Quinn only took one trip to the Doctor the whole year, that was his Well-child check up. Physically- he's sturdy and advanced, if a little on the thin side. Mentally, he speaks like a 4 or 5 year old. Thinks like one too. Emotionally, he's still an almost 3 year old. That makes things a little complicated sometimes.



Mr. P and Me... inspite of my other thread and I our- whatever it was- yesterday... are great. We're healthy, sex is better than it has ever been. His company isn't thriving necessarily, but hasn't failed either.







Negatives:

We are renting our house. We really want to buy it. But our renter is a close friend and our rent is exactly the mortgage so he's not gouging us.



We need to eat healthier.



We need to exercise more.



We need to find more family activities that are free and actually go to them.







So for 2013, I just really want us to buy our house. I think we'll have to wait until 2014.

Slack, cutting myself some...

Right, I said I was going to post every day for November. My intentions were, are, good.  But November is an extremely difficult month for me. My mom's passing, then her birthday, then Thanksgiving usually pulls me out of whatever funk I've let myself get into and I feel better.  But this year, with my e-friend's passing and her small children and her husband left behind... well, it's been very heavy on my heart.  I've been having some concentration issues and a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself stuff. So I've decided to cut myself some slack. Let it go.

Here's a story my friend told me last night:

A plumber was called to a man's house to fix a leaking toilet. After he fixed it, he went to leave but his car wouldn't start. The man offered the plumber a ride home which was accepted.   Upon arrival at the plumber's home he asked the man in for supper. At first the man refused, not wanting to impose, but the plumber insisted.  On the way to the door the plumber stopped by a large oak in his front yard. He gazed at the tree, rubbed some leaves and then walked with the man into the house.

The man had a wonderful time with the plumber's family. When it was time to leave the plumber walked him out to his car.  The man said he had only one question for the plumber, he asked him why he stopped at that old oak and rubbed the leaves.  The plumber said that he does that every night, he rubs all the worries and fears out so he never takes them inside to burden and weigh upon his family.

It's time to plant a tree folks. It's time to take the worry and stress off my shoulders and let God handle them.  I can change a lot of things about myself, but I can't change the past and I can't change how others handle situations. I can only do what I think is right and good and let the chips fall where they may.

So, this weekend is fall cleaning. Sort of like Spring Cleaning, only in the fall.

For Mom.

So I look in your direction,


But you pay me no attention, do you?

I know you don't listen to me.

'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?



And on and on from the moment I wake,

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.



Did you want me to change?

Well I changed for good

And I want you to know.

That you'll always get your way

I wanted to say,



Don't you Shiver?

Shiver

Sing it loud and clear



I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need you,

But you never even see me, do you?

And is this my final chance of getting you?



And on and on from the moment I wake,

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.



Oh, oh, oh, oh.



Did you want me to change?

Well I changed for good

And I want you to know.

That you'll always get your way

I wanted to say,



Don't you Shiver?

Don't you Shiver?



Sing it loud and clear.

I'll always be waiting for you.



Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

For you,

I will always be waiting.



And it's you I see, but you don't see me.

And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear

I sing it loud and clear.

And I'll always be waiting for you.



So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention,

And you know how much I need you,

But you never even see me.

Post #2 and #3- Mortality and depression

11/02/2012

I am 38 and 1/2 years old. My mother died 12 years ago (tomorrow) at age 48. 9 and 1/2 years from now I'll be her age. She fought cancer for a year and a half. A HARD year and a half. She was young. Her children were young adults (26 and 22.) It wasn't fair. It was hard and ugly and frustrating. 

I woman I know, an incredible person really. She is 35. Her battle with cancer seems to be coming to an end much more quickly than it should. She's not winning the fight. She has VERY young children (8 and 7.) They are beautiful and smart and losing their mother much much too early.  This really isn't fair. It's really hard and really ugly and really frustrating and I'm a practical stranger to her. I can't fathom being near to her or, God forbid, in her shoes. 

Another woman I know lost her mother earlier this year. Our Nana and my Grandfather aren't going to be around for all that much longer. Beautiful people taken. At least Nana and Grandpa have lived good, full lives. They shouldn't have regrets and we should celebrate their long lives instead of weeping for their passing.... but, how? How does one deal with the loss and not lose parts of themselves? To not feel sorry for ourselves? I still have days where I feel so pitiful that my mom is gone.  Then I feel pathetic and stupid that I feel so sorry for myself.

TBC...

11/03/2012

So today is the 12th anniversary of Mom's death. 12 years without her telling me what to do, nagging me about this or that, 2&1/2 years with Quinn who she'll never meet. 6&1/2 years with Mark who she will never meet.

I spend a lot of time inside my head. I'm not a social person anymore. I just spent 6 days at home only leaving the house twice in between shifts. Once, only because it was Halloween and I had to go take Quinn around and once because Mark was going to be late getting home and I had to pick Quinn up.  And, you know what? I liked it. I liked being by myself. I loved the silence, the calm of the quiet. I was with Quinn and Mark for three days solid, then I had three days to myself. It was a nice mixture.

I have good friends, good family. I don't see them often. Three years ago, I had a lot of girlfriends and we saw each other every Friday night. Coffee at the bookstore followed by magazine reading. Maybe sushi for dinner, sometimes a movie.  Now? I see them once a month, if that. We moved and everyone is a lifetime away from me now. 

A couple weeks back I had (another) terrible grocery store incident. I've sworn off grocery shopping for the rest of my life. The incident was nothing really, just my credit card declined.  I actually felt so distraught over the stupid situation that I felt worthless. It's not just because it was declined. It's because it was declined the very day after I got paid. I work and work and work. I work night shift and extra shifts and still I.HAVE.NO.MONEY. 

Ok, I realize that these topics don't seem to go together really, but they do. I'm in a moderately severe depression.  I don't know what to do about it. Should I go see someone? I've taken Lexapro for 8 years now. EIGHT YEARS! I really don't know what to do.  Mark wants another baby... the idea of that makes me feel like I am going to hyperventilate. I need to lose weight. I need to organize my life. I need... I need... I need so much that finding a starting point to help me make things better is so fucking difficult I find it impossible.  So when things are too hectic, when they seem to difficult, do nothing. That's my mantra.

NaNoWriMo

NaNoWriMo is not another language. Well, not really. It's National Novel Writing Month. NOVEMBER! Of which today is the first.  The pressures of the "story" come at a cost to me if I have to deal with it every day. (Which is why I am a scientist, not an author.) So I have elected to do my own thing here and write a blog post every single day the whole month.  This will include my world famous annual Thanksgiving post. What? You've never heard it? Well read-up boys and girls. I have a lot to say and whole months worth of blog posts to say it. 

OK, so to start I want to give my faithful reader(s) an opportunity to pitch in and tell me something that they would enjoy my talking about. If you have a topic that you'd like to read my opinions on, leave me a comment in the, errr, comment section.  My only rule is that I don't talk about politics. I don't like politics. To be honest, I don't fully understand all that goes on and don't care to read, talk, nor write about it. So all those requests will be subsequently denied and the reader banned from commenting on my posts ever again. (That's a bluff, I can't ban you. But I really will ignore you.) 

So, go! 

Waging a War on My Lifestyle.

I am overweight... No surprises there, I'm sure. But wait (weight?), there's more: I have PCOS, type II diabetes, high blood pressure... I take pills for anxiety and depression. I have no energy and all this is compounded by my working 3rd shift.


There's all that and I love fast food. Easy food. Greasy food. French fries, fried chicken sandwiches are my favorite. I have a gross addiction to sweet tea and (very sweet) iced coffee. And I have been having an obscene affair with chocolate chip cookies all my life.

But yesterday... :sigh: and : teary-eyes: My son informed me that I have a big belly. I really thought I had a few more years before he was going to point that out. I dont know if someone was saying something and he over-heard them or he just made an innocent observation. I just said, I sure do, you're right. And we kept moving. I wasn't upset with him... but for myself. And with myself. It's stupid to be this fat. I'm stupid for being this fat. Mark wants us to have another baby. I really do not think I can like this. I mean, I was this weight when I got pregnant with Quinn... so I can. But the end was hard and disappointing. (And happy too, cause Quinn, WOW! He's an awesome kid!)

I'm 38.5 years old. (The half is important cause 39 is just around the corner.) I feel like it's too late. Like I'm stupid for trying at this point. I am what I am and it is what it is.... That's my self-esteem talking though. LIke I'd rather make jokes about it than take care of it. Or once again try and fail. But the logical, intelligent side of me says "THERE IS NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT!!" So I need to get my ass moving and figure out what works for me and just fucking do it already.

So, I have a book I'm reading "The Low GI Diet Revolution." I am going to try it because of the diabetes and PCOS. It says it's safe for women who are trying to get pregnant and who are pregnant. It says you start with a 12 week program and if you do right you lose 5-10% of your body fat during that 12 weeks. Then you take time to maintain, I don't know how much time yet, and you start again. I'll give more details as I get to it.

So... Here we go.

"The Weird Sisters" By Eleanor Brown

I have read a lot of books in my days. I started with "ABCs for Dummies" when I was a kid and kept on going.  My husband, in his own loving way, would describe me as a nerd through and through.  He is terribly afraid that our son will follow in my footsteps, but I love it. Reading is an escape. It's therapy for the poor- or rich if you don't visit the public library as I do.  So, since reading books is something I value in my day-to-day life, I've decided to start a new blog and dedicate it to books. Books I've read, books I want to read, books I wish I had never read at all (Jodi Piccoult, I'm looking at you.) Until I can think of a clever new name for my new book minded blog, I'm going to post them here for all my loyal readers to judge.

"The Weird Sisters" is about, well, three sisters that actually aren't really that weird at all.  The "tag" line, as it were, is "See, we love each other. We just don't like each other very much." Which, really, defines a lot of families these days. 

The novel starts slow and never really gains momentum.  The characters are introduced and defined in a painstakingly lackadaisical manner. About half way through the reader finally knows everyone and the story tries to take off.  It sputters around for a long while, but never gets off the ground. 

Rosalind is the oldest- the perfectionist.  She is take charge and make no apologies.  It's hard to believe that anyone would be this severe with their grown siblings.  I am the oldest and I know there are times when I am a bit forceful with my younger sister, but I don't think it is to the extreme that Rose is portrayed. 

Bianca is the middle daughter.  She is the party girl with a penance to pay for her fast paced life. 

Cordelia is the stereotypical youngest child. You're supposed to feel sorry for the older two because Cordy is the "baby" and has been treated as such her whole life.  Then you're supposed to feel sorry for Cordy because she's never treated with any modicum of respect.  She just sort of annoys you though.

Then there is the parents and the love interests.  The father is a well-read Shakespeare teacher.  He speaks in riddles, quoting the Bard with pretty much ever sentence.  So much so that  you really want to just tell him to shut up.  But, the author does allow the girls to be annoyed with this trait and the mom to chastise the dad for it some as well.  The mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I think the mom is portrayed the best of all the characters. 

Truth be known, the book wasn't as awful as I perhaps have made it out to be. But it wasn't good either. Too many pretty words, not enough realism. You wanted the girls to become more well-rounded faster. To figure out their issues and be better people sooner than the last 20 pages of the book.  You needed them to stand up for themselves and stop feeling so damn pitiful and sorry all the time.  But by the time they do, you don't really care anymore. 

NO MUSIC???!!!

I get to work today and the PTB (Powers-that-be) have blocked the radio network I have always used to hear some tunes. So I'm going to have to bring my ipod in here, which I don't want to do. And I guess I'll put music on it, which I also do not want to do.

Or I could download pandora onto my phone again... I also don't want to do. But seriously, it's too quiet in here. It makes me sleepy.

5/19/2012: I ended up downloading "Pandora" again. Thank God for multi-tasking cell phones!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!

"Before you were conceived I wanted you Before you were born I loved you Before you were here an hour I would give my life for you This is the miracle of life." ~ Maureen Hawkins

I will probably not have internet access on Sunday, but I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Mother's Day. And remember, being a "mom" is not about giving birth or DNA. So raise a glass for every woman who loves and cares for a child (whether they walk on 2 or 4 legs.) Grandmothers, Aunts, step-mothers, sisters, cousins... Everyone!!

Confidential to Quinn: 

My world would not be worth living without you in it. You make everyday better. I waited for you for such a long time and you were worth every second, every test, every procedure. I almost gave up and I thank God everyday I didn't. I love you baby!

Confidential to my Mom: 

I miss you daily. I try every day to be half the woman and mother you were. I love you. 

Funny things my kid says. Part 1

Ok, so I'm going to start a running series of  "Funny things my kid says." Because... well, he's hysterical.

So, the other day he and I were lying on my bed and chatting. I kissed his forehead and I said, I love you. He looks at me, very seriously now, and asks me a serious of questions like so:

Q) Do you love Daddy?
M) Yes, I do.
Q) Do you love Thor? (Our dog.)
M) Yes, I do.
Q) Do you love Bears?
M) (What???) Of course I do.
Q) Do you love horses?
M) (seriously???) Yes, I love Horses.
Q) Do you love babies?
M) Yes I do.
Q) I EAT BABIES! 

The last one was loud and with a lot of emphasis on the I. It was awesome. That kid is crazy.  You can ask him at any given point during the day, what did you eat today, Quinn? His answer? Thor, cars, toes, horses, etc... He knows he didn't eat those things, he's teasing you. And it's really awesome!!!

You may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right...

Friday night I crashed your party


Saturday I said I'm sorry

Sunday came and trashed me out again

I was only having fun

Wasn't hurting anyone

And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change



I've been stranded in the combat zone

I walked through Bedford Stuy alone

Even rode my motorcycle in the rain

And you told me not to drive

But I made it home alive

So you said that only proves that I'm insane



You may be right

I may be crazy

But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for

Turn out the light

Don't try to save me

You may be wrong for all I know

But you may be right



Remember how I found you there

Alone in your electric chair

I told you dirty jokes until you smiled

You were lonely for a man

I said take me as I am

'Cause you might enjoy some madness for awhile



Now think of all the years you tried to

Find someone to satisfy you

I might be as crazy as you say

If I'm crazy then it's true

That it's all because of you

And you wouldn't want me any other way



You may be right

I may be crazy

But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for

It's too late to fight

It's too late to change me

You may be wrong for all I know

But you may be right



You may be right

I may be crazy

But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for

Turn out the light

Don't try to save me

You may be wrong for all I know

But you may be right

You may be wrong but you may be right

You may be wrong but you may be right

A Thousand Years ~ Christina Perri

A Thousand Years"






Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow



One step closer



[Chorus:]

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more



Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this



One step closer



[Chorus:]

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more



And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more



One step closer

One step closer



[Chorus:]

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more



And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Mean things I say when no one can hear me:

I've decided I want to keep a running list of the stupid and/or mean things I say when I know noone can hear me. For instance: on the way home this morning some stupid jackass in an older model SUV was putt-puttin' it along Hugeunot road. He had a bumper sticker on his car that said "I'm proud of my cub Scout." So because I was irritated and couldn't get around him, I said "I'm proud of you getting the fuck outta my way."

Today...

I have books to read, rooms to clean, phone calls to make and yet I can't seem to drag myself up off the floor, away from my coffee and my laptop to get stuff started.  Quinn is riding his tri-cycle around the house and the babysitter is milling around the house. It's just a lovely day to relax and so I just want to do that too.  

Books to read: Janet Evanovich #18, Suzanne Collins Catching Fire. 

Rooms to clean: The house

Calls to make: re: taxes

Two Days

This past week I spent two whole days alone with my little guy. Then a third with the babysitter there too (I had to work that night.)  I thought it would be really stressful. He is so high energy and gets into everything. He doesn't really listen very well, he makes an obviously conscious decison not to, so the inevitable frustration is there a lot. 

So that's exactly how it went the first day. Me wanting an adult beverage, him running his fool head off, screaming and trying to drive me insane.  But it was raining and we couldn't go anywhere, so it we were cooped up inside the house- that's no good for a 2 year old.

The second day was different. It was GREAT! We went to the grocery store and took lunch to Mark and then took long naps. It was really fun. We colored and ran around outside with the dog... there were things to do and energy to do them. So it ended up being really great.

I learned something too. First, my kid is BRILLIANT! I mean really really smart. Shockingly so. I know I'm biased. I don't care. He's so quick to pick things up.  Second, that tiny little man is FUNNY! He's got a great sense of humor (was there ever a doubt??) and he's playful and interested.  I know I knew these things prior to the last couple of days... but seeing them in action, seeing him learn and grow right before my eyes... well, I don't get that often. That's what being a working mom has left me with. The grumpy nights and quick hugs in the mornings. I haven't gotten to see his development. It saddens me. But it also makes me want to try harder to engage him. To be there for whatever I can be. Things are going to change. It's not in the cards financially, so I have to dig out what I can get and be ok with the rest. 

Mostly, it was really nice to bond with him. I love that little boy more than anything else in this world and I got to feel him loving me back for the first time really. God Bless Him.

So Yesterday...

Was not a great day. The night shift just about took my wind outta my sails for a bit. I made it home and slept like the dead for 6 hours.  Then I got up and played with my boys and cooked them supper. It was nice. It was nice to be there altogether.  Then is snowed for all of 12 seconds. Then I went back to bed. So yeah, Not eventful.

But ya know what? I am the luckiest person I know. And I take it for granted that I'm healthy and I have a healthy, happy family. If people who are going through the worst thing of their lives can be grateful and appreciative of their family, why can't I? And I am, I know I am... but sometimes that gets lost in the hustle and bustle and exhaustion of another day.

So it's time to put it forefront of my life. Starting NOW.

Sleepy!

I am having some difficulties keeping my eyes on the prize this morning. The prize being my bed and sleeping. I tried to read, but my eyes keep crossing. Coffee isn't cutting the mustard either. Damn it! What am I going to do??!

Important Decisions

This is worthy of it's own post.

If I were to become a Vampire Slayer... I decided I would only wear black leather pants and I would invest in some spikey, black, steel-toed boots. I'd wear various colored tops, I'd probably wear a kick-ass leather jacket too.

I was watching Buffy earlier and I wonder why she doesn't wear steel-toed boots... that lead to my thought of what I would wear. Since Slayers have awesome bodies, I would rock those leather pants. I mean my ass would be butter in those pants. And even though I'd be incredibly strong and fast- the steel-toed boots would be an asset.

The String Test

Ok, yeah, most old wives tales are a little hokey. I know.  But this? This is cool!

The idea is you put a wedding band (it does not need to be YOURS) on a string. The person you're "testing" holds their right hand palm up and you dangle the string with the band hanging down over their palm.  If the string moves circular- it's a girl. If the string swings back and forth- it's a boy. If the string doesn't move- you won't give birth. You repeat the process to determine how many children you'll have and what gender.

So that's the idea in a nutshell. I read that if you're already pregnant you can dangle it at your babybump and it'll do the same thing to tell the gender, but as I am not pregnant this is not applicable to me yet.

My coworker Rou told me about this trick and, like you are now, I scoffed. Silliness. But then she showed me- I am going to have two boys. It swayed back and forth twice then stopped the third try.  We then went to another co-worker Linh. She has two children, a girl first, then a boy. And what do you think happened? First it went round and round, then it swayed back and forth, then nothing. Yes, Seriously.  Then we tried another co-worker Kim... same results- she has two girls, two round and round and then a stop.

So it's very exciting to "know" I'm going to have another boy when I get pregnant again... and to be relaxed about having another one because I will.

And yeah, I know that this is for entertainment purposes... sort of like your horoscope. But it was fun and eerily accurate... so I'm a believer.