Personal demons are the very worst. It seems like they just never go away. Try as I may to squelch them, they rear their ugly heads, breathe their fire, and drag me back into their neurosis.
We're broke. Not just broke. BUT B.R.O.K.E. We are on the verge of gathering up some sticks from the yard, tying some bandannas and marching 1x1 down the street with our hobo sticks. Can you see it? Mark, then me, then Quinn crawling his happy crawl, followed by Thor and the cats, all with different color bandannas. We can carry a change of underwear and some bread and water. Maybe we'll let Quinn carry a toy, or maybe he can use his Kawaski 4 wheeler and ride it down the street rather than crawling his happy crawl.
We grew up poor. It seems like all my friends did, but we were really poor. My parents bought their first house after 26 years of marriage and I'm about to lose mine at age 37. I think about it and I didn't want Quinn to grow up in an apartment or trailer or whatnot. I wanted us to be in a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks (not that we have sidewalks now, but whatever.) And the simple fact that we're not there right now is killing me. Irrational, I know, but I feel like, he's only ONE and I've already fucked his life up. I get that he doesn't know the difference and he can't possibly care. I get that I'm not really that bad off and if financial struggles is the worst that my small family has to face then I WIN. I know these things, but it doesn't ward off the feelings of failure or inadequacy.
The very real reality is that I can take care of Quinn. I dont have to RUSH back to work (not that the job market is cooperating with me), but I can wait for the right job. I can raise my son for a bit and take care of our new home and take care of myself. And these things are GOOD things. Getting rid of all the crap that we've surrounded ourselves with? A very good thing.
If I could just beat these demons back then the forecast would be Sunny with a chance of Kick Ass. (Thanks Beckett.)
1 comment:
oh jpants. i'm sorry. that's so stressful. you have a good outlook. :\
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