Emotional Purging

My mom used to call my dad a "Stamp collector" saying he would hold all his emotions and ill-feelings in. Collecting all the wrong-doings until he had enough and then he would sort of explode. The explosions were short lived, I know, I have his temperament.

My mom died almost 10 years ago. For 9 and 1/2 of those years I wasn't angry. I didn't place "blame" it was what it was and it is what it is. But ever since Quinn was born... no before that. When the pregnancy started becoming difficult and I started having problems at work, I started to feel abandoned by her.

I kept pushing those feelings down, refusing to allow myself to feel them. But the more things that come up with Quinn, the more I feel isolated. I know it's whiny, but it's not fair that I don't have my mom to talk to about my boy. And the more I let myself feel things about this, about her, the madder I get. I feel like I need to be angry. I need to point fingers and yell "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" There is no logic in this, that's why it's so hard for me to just let go and feel.

So I don't know what to do. I reached out to my Aunt, her sister, to try to reconnect. I thought that would help. It blew up in my face and made me feel worse. I have attempted to find a surrogate... it helps, but only a little. I keep thinking I need to let it go, to stop feeling so angry and thinking about it ALL THE TIME. It's a determent to my relationships. But I can't seem to take that first step.

And I'm tired of feeling like it's a crutch. "I'm sad cause my mom died"... ten years ago. It sound ridiculous and stupid and emotionally stunted. Maybe I am emotionally stunted. I've always felt like I was years ahead of my peers emotionally. I understand relationships, I understand people in the relationships and I'm good, really good, at seeing things from all sides. But I can't seem to do this right. Not just for myself, but for everyone.

Also, I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of trying not to cry, of sleeping to distract myself... all of it. I want to be me again. I want to think about my mom and feel good. Enough emotional self-flagellation. So if you have any ideas of how to dig myself up out of a hole, feel free to send them my way. TIA. :/

For My Husband (Post #100!!)

Come On, Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Fath and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe, I'd make you forget.

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard and drown me in love.

I miss the pull of your heart.
I taset the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Free

Free by Zac Brown Band

I had dinner with my two of my best girlfriends this evening. It's one of their birthdays and we went for burgers, fries, shakes, etc... It was fun.

Earlier today Mark, Quinn, and I went to hang out at a friend's house. We played games; Scattergories, Apples to Apples, Monopoly. We did it last week too.

It's been very good for me to get out of my head. When I'm at home I spend every minute (essentially) checking different places for job possibilities. Tonight I had to go look at getting help from the gov't. So totally humiliating I can't even bring myself to fill out the paperwork. I have to get health insurance for Quinn. I can't pay for it.

Honestly, I'm in such a bad place I can't even look myself in the mirror. I dont know how I got here, but it's dark.

Then... this song comes on the radio and reminds me of where I'm REALLY at. Yeah, it's bad, but I have Mark. I have Quinn. I have good friends, good family. I have the essentials. A nice reminder of what's real and what's not. Dont get me wrong. Being broke? Jobless? REAL. But not ALL. I may have to listen to this song over and over again to make it sink in... until then, there's pharmaceuticals and who doesn't love that?

Laughter is the best Medicine!

0803102005
Originally uploaded by the pantsie

All laughter is beautiful... but you'd be hard pressed to find better laughter than this.

My First Mother's Day!

In the past, I have always felt as if the word "Mother" was a relative term (no pun intended.) Having dealt directly with infertility for round about 9 years now, I wondered if it was a coping mechanism to feel as if I was a mother even without having any living flesh babies. Now that my son is here, I know that I know that it wasn't. It's different, of course, to have your own living flesh and blood squirming around in your arms as opposed to a pup licking your face or a kit nuzzling your arm... but that difference doesn't take away from the intention of love and care-giving.

So celebrate! If you're a Mom, a want-to-be Mom, a caring Aunt Mom, a Cat Mom, a dog Mom, a foster Mom, an adoptive Mom, a Mom to Angels, a step-Mom... Celebrate and know that giving birth to a baby doesn't make you any more or less of a Mom than all the love and care you give the living, breathing blessings in your life.

A special note to all my friends still dealing with infertility: You are loved. Your day will come. Never give up hope. My hopes, dreams, and prayers are with you every day during this journey, just as yours were with me. I could not have dealt with the ups and downs of my fertility issues without you. My son is proof positive that the journey is worth the work.

Another special note to my Mom: I miss you more today than ever before. Your Grandson is an amazing, beautiful baby. The only thing today lacks is your presence. I love you.

Have a great Mother's day everyone!
Jennifer

My Sundae is almost complete!

So... God willing, our son will be here 4 weeks from tomorrow. I am simultaneously exciting and fucking terrified. Not of labor. Labor won't be a big deal... ok, it'll be a big deal, but then it'll be over. But... terrified of being a mom for the first time. What if I fuck up my kid? What if he hates me... not in the teenage angst sorta way, but in the very real leaving and never speaking to me again way.

What if he loves Mark more than he loves me? What if Thor hates him and we have to get rid of the dog? What if he gets sick and I can't make him better? What if I lose my job and we end up being hobos walking down the street with our hobo sticks with matching handkerchiefs?

What if he's not smart? What if he doesn't have a great sense-of-humor? What if he's ugly?

Then I wonder, will he have brown eyes like me? Green eyes like Mark? Blue eyes like his uncles and aunt? He might have red hair when he's born... we're very freckled, Mark and I... what if he ends up being teased all his life?

What if he's fat like me? I don't want him to be fat. It terrifies me. I already love him so much I want him to be perfect (as perfect as he possible can be).

The other thing... I MISS MY MOM. LIke crazy, teary-eyed, thinking about her ALL THE TIME MISS HER. I keep thinking if she were here, I'd feel better about these crazy things. Or at least less manic about them. She could tell me I'm stoopid and to shut up about it. I can't turn this inner voice off. I don't know how. I mean, ok, it's not a 24/7 kind of worry... if it were, please, God, medicate me... but these fleeting thoughts are clear and present regularly.

Not to worry... the good stuff is there too. MY SON will be here before I can blink! The day I've waited for for YEARS AND YEARS is right around the corner. My family is almost complete. I honestly never thought I would get to this point of my life. Even with all he above angst... I know he's going to be an amazing child. How can he not? No child has ever been more wanted or loved than this one... it's not possible. <3 <3 <3

Insomnia for the win!

Well, I didn't realize I hadn't update anything since before Christmas... a lot has happened in the last two months.

First... Quinn is almost here. 40 more days and he'll be with us! I can't wait. I never imagined it would ever be here. Yet here it is, almost upon us.

We had an ultrasound this past Thursday. He was so shy showing us his goods in the other two big ultrasounds, but in this one it was ALL he wanted to show. Finally the tech was able to get past his package and he's weighing 4lbs15oz and measuring just a few days ahead. Everything is still looking good with him. Dr. Wiles agreed to induce on April 8th. We don't want him to get bigger and I want to make sure I can stay home the full 6 weeks after he's born too.

Our shower is next next weekend. I'm very excited about all that attention. It really just amazes me that it's really here. Very surreal.

So I'm out of work until after he's born. I'm stressed out at work and needing a break. Plus I can't keep my glucose levels normal and I'm dehydrated. So I'm chillin'... and all of it, life, ect... has got me not sleeping. Hence my very boring essay at 640am on Sunday morning when I should be sleeping. Ha.

Ok.. gonna try to sleep. I'll write something much more witty later on.