37

So far, sucks as much as 36 did.

So another birthday passes.  I usually make a list and talk about what I'm happy about and things that have changed and all that. But I don't feel like it this year. So I'm just going to say this....

If 37 kicks 36's ass in the shitty year department, I'm just going to give up.  So, come on 37... you've got some work to do. BE BETTER. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS HOLY, BE BETTER.

Thanks in advance,
Jennifer

"Suck me Mother"

You know, blogger follows you around. If you access my blog, it doesn't tell me who you are, but it does tell me what sites accessed it, search words, etc...

So, whomever you are that found my blog using the google search words "Suck me mother."  I have no words of wisdom for you... I just hope you found what you were looking for.

Cheers.

The Quiet

Silence is completely underrated.  One day last week I came home from dropping off my boy and the house was silent except for the white noise buzz. It was so totally awesome. 

Mr. Mob and lil'Q just went out to... I don't know where, Lowes or the the grocery store, I'm not sure. And the silence is overwhelming in a good way. 

I remember when I lived alone, the silence was the hardest part.  The night I moved into my little house after leaving my first husband, I actually went and bought a tv and a dvd player just so I could go to sleep. I didn't have cable and I couldn't get any of the network tv shows to come in... it was so quiet I couldn't stand it.

Now? I can't get enough of it.

I realize....

...that my last post made little sense to anyone who is not in my head.  Unfortunately, my head was on Ambien so I am not sure I can even fully explain what I don't remember writing. 

The dreams part, that was real.  I wonder if my subconscious is telling me to write more often or, ya know, at all. Or maybe they're telling me to stop thinking entirely. (That'd be my first option, should I get to choose.) 

So, here's the main issue.  I dont have a job. Haven't had a job for over a month now. And I'm going out of my fucking head. I'm so bored. I'm home alone or with a one year old ALL the time. All of that put together makes me want to shoot myself in the head. (Not literally, I am not suicidal.) I'm just so bored. SO SO SO SO bored.  I need a purpose, an agenda, something that has something to do with not taking care of Quinn and Mark.  I could clean, but I really don't want to. I could organize, but I don't want to do that either. 

I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a fucking job. There is just nothing to apply for. I've applied for everything. Stuff above my head, below my head, everything in between. Nothing. Two interviews. Two more potential interviews and they fizzled out. And freaking nothing. :sigh: 

Did I mention how bored I am?

Dreams and Realities

Almost every night I have this oh-so-vivid dreams and in them I'm writing a story of some kind. It seems like they, the dreams, are almost telling me what to do. I dream about my childhood, my teen years. I dream about old friendships long past their prime. 

Last week, specifically, I was driving around Chester on the streets that I grew up on.  I can't remember who was in the car with me, but he or she gave me wrong directions and I ended up sitting outside the Taylor house.  I went to school with the two oldest girls. One was a year ahead and one a year behind.  We lost track of one another early into teen years. Probably when I started high school.   Anyway, I digress, we were in a car that wasn't mine, but I was driving and we were sitting in front of this large brown house. You could see that there is a pool from the street, but not into the pool due to the large privacy fence.  None of this detail matters, it is just to point out how very vivid this part was.   So my stranger friend checks the directions and we determine we need to move on and find the right house. As we drive away I stare back at it through the rear-view mirror.  

That's all I remember of that dream. I know that all sounds like a big ol' snoozefest. But I can't help wondering if the imaginary friends in my imaginary car sitting in front of real life old friends at their real life old houses where I spent so much of my adolescence means something.  

The truth of the matter is, the once thriving social circle of supportive loved ones has withered away to a few friends playing ring-ring-around-the-Jennifer, to keep me supported.  I'm sure they're tiring of my neediness ,I am tired of my neediness.  But they listen and support just as I would if they needed it.  

So back to the dreams... If I were to attempt to dissect my own neurosis, I would wonder if these dreams were telling me I need to make changes.  Stagnation is good for no one.  I am in a place where I all I can do is stand here. Wait here.  Stay behind the yellow line and take a number to be the next up to play "Get a Life." 

A "friend" recently told me that, while she knows I am a good person, I am in a "Downward Spiral" (and she doesn't want part of that, but that's not what this is about.)  But she's wrong, dead wrong. I'm not spiraling anywhere. I'm standing still. My feet are concrete. I can't move if I tried. I have to chip away the lead legs first and the only way to do that is figure out which direction I need to go.

Help us out!!!

Mark made an off-handed comment recently about his ability to run for President in 2012.  He has all the qualifications. So he said, that's it! I'm going to do it.  So... being his ever supporting wife and having ever supporting friends we have set up a facebook page for him and soon there will be a tweeter and possibly a website.

Mark Mobley- Future Presidential Candidate 2012

Please go to this link and click "like" and share it with others.  We're not delusional enough to believe he could win, plus we're broke. But it would be interesting to see how many people responded to an undereducated, but yet intelligent, honest man. I know I would.

So, please share and share alike. I'm hoping to get to 100 likes by his Birthday, June 17th. He'll be 35- the last hurdle to prevent him from running!!

Update from the last entry...

The Good: Quinn had his 1 year check up. He is 22 lbs and 29.75 in of crazy hot mess.  He appears to be of above average intelligence and certainly has quite a little personality.  Also, I have had two job interviews that went well, and I have two more lined up soon.  I got the two calls today and they'll follow up with me later this week to schedule something.

The bad: Still no job.  I did have the two interviews, but we're down to the wire where money is concerned.

The Ugly: That situation with my "friend" didn't work itself out. I thought it would. I think what we got into an argument about is a stupid thing to lose a friendship over.  But that was her decision, not mine.  She said some ugly (VERY UGLY) things and since that's not something I feel the need to put up with- that ended our friendship. It's too bad too. We had a lot of fun. But as my wisest friend Jessica put it- some people come into your life for forever, some for just a little while. Everyone fills a purpose. I guess my friend's purpose was full-up.