Jumping Ship

Well folks... I have been a lazy, inattentive blogger. Part of it is I have had nothing to say. Another part is I need a new start. There are some things going on in my world that need their own attention.  So, I have parted ways with Blogger and taken up with her arch nemesis Wordpress. If you are so inclined, please feel free to follow me over there. I would MORE than love the company.

http://lettingmyselflose.wordpress.com/

Cheers,
Jennifer

2012 Year in Review

2012 has most definitely been MUCH better than 2011 was. 2010 only beat it out because Quinn was born that year and that was AWESOME.








Positives:



I got a 14% raise, in two increments (One 12% market increase in summer, and then the typical 2% yearly.)



I got a new car with better payments.



All our bills are up-to-date.



We're working on buying the house we're living in.



Quinn only took one trip to the Doctor the whole year, that was his Well-child check up. Physically- he's sturdy and advanced, if a little on the thin side. Mentally, he speaks like a 4 or 5 year old. Thinks like one too. Emotionally, he's still an almost 3 year old. That makes things a little complicated sometimes.



Mr. P and Me... inspite of my other thread and I our- whatever it was- yesterday... are great. We're healthy, sex is better than it has ever been. His company isn't thriving necessarily, but hasn't failed either.







Negatives:

We are renting our house. We really want to buy it. But our renter is a close friend and our rent is exactly the mortgage so he's not gouging us.



We need to eat healthier.



We need to exercise more.



We need to find more family activities that are free and actually go to them.







So for 2013, I just really want us to buy our house. I think we'll have to wait until 2014.

Slack, cutting myself some...

Right, I said I was going to post every day for November. My intentions were, are, good.  But November is an extremely difficult month for me. My mom's passing, then her birthday, then Thanksgiving usually pulls me out of whatever funk I've let myself get into and I feel better.  But this year, with my e-friend's passing and her small children and her husband left behind... well, it's been very heavy on my heart.  I've been having some concentration issues and a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself stuff. So I've decided to cut myself some slack. Let it go.

Here's a story my friend told me last night:

A plumber was called to a man's house to fix a leaking toilet. After he fixed it, he went to leave but his car wouldn't start. The man offered the plumber a ride home which was accepted.   Upon arrival at the plumber's home he asked the man in for supper. At first the man refused, not wanting to impose, but the plumber insisted.  On the way to the door the plumber stopped by a large oak in his front yard. He gazed at the tree, rubbed some leaves and then walked with the man into the house.

The man had a wonderful time with the plumber's family. When it was time to leave the plumber walked him out to his car.  The man said he had only one question for the plumber, he asked him why he stopped at that old oak and rubbed the leaves.  The plumber said that he does that every night, he rubs all the worries and fears out so he never takes them inside to burden and weigh upon his family.

It's time to plant a tree folks. It's time to take the worry and stress off my shoulders and let God handle them.  I can change a lot of things about myself, but I can't change the past and I can't change how others handle situations. I can only do what I think is right and good and let the chips fall where they may.

So, this weekend is fall cleaning. Sort of like Spring Cleaning, only in the fall.

For Mom.

So I look in your direction,


But you pay me no attention, do you?

I know you don't listen to me.

'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?



And on and on from the moment I wake,

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.



Did you want me to change?

Well I changed for good

And I want you to know.

That you'll always get your way

I wanted to say,



Don't you Shiver?

Shiver

Sing it loud and clear



I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need you,

But you never even see me, do you?

And is this my final chance of getting you?



And on and on from the moment I wake,

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.



Oh, oh, oh, oh.



Did you want me to change?

Well I changed for good

And I want you to know.

That you'll always get your way

I wanted to say,



Don't you Shiver?

Don't you Shiver?



Sing it loud and clear.

I'll always be waiting for you.



Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

For you,

I will always be waiting.



And it's you I see, but you don't see me.

And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear

I sing it loud and clear.

And I'll always be waiting for you.



So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention,

And you know how much I need you,

But you never even see me.

Post #2 and #3- Mortality and depression

11/02/2012

I am 38 and 1/2 years old. My mother died 12 years ago (tomorrow) at age 48. 9 and 1/2 years from now I'll be her age. She fought cancer for a year and a half. A HARD year and a half. She was young. Her children were young adults (26 and 22.) It wasn't fair. It was hard and ugly and frustrating. 

I woman I know, an incredible person really. She is 35. Her battle with cancer seems to be coming to an end much more quickly than it should. She's not winning the fight. She has VERY young children (8 and 7.) They are beautiful and smart and losing their mother much much too early.  This really isn't fair. It's really hard and really ugly and really frustrating and I'm a practical stranger to her. I can't fathom being near to her or, God forbid, in her shoes. 

Another woman I know lost her mother earlier this year. Our Nana and my Grandfather aren't going to be around for all that much longer. Beautiful people taken. At least Nana and Grandpa have lived good, full lives. They shouldn't have regrets and we should celebrate their long lives instead of weeping for their passing.... but, how? How does one deal with the loss and not lose parts of themselves? To not feel sorry for ourselves? I still have days where I feel so pitiful that my mom is gone.  Then I feel pathetic and stupid that I feel so sorry for myself.

TBC...

11/03/2012

So today is the 12th anniversary of Mom's death. 12 years without her telling me what to do, nagging me about this or that, 2&1/2 years with Quinn who she'll never meet. 6&1/2 years with Mark who she will never meet.

I spend a lot of time inside my head. I'm not a social person anymore. I just spent 6 days at home only leaving the house twice in between shifts. Once, only because it was Halloween and I had to go take Quinn around and once because Mark was going to be late getting home and I had to pick Quinn up.  And, you know what? I liked it. I liked being by myself. I loved the silence, the calm of the quiet. I was with Quinn and Mark for three days solid, then I had three days to myself. It was a nice mixture.

I have good friends, good family. I don't see them often. Three years ago, I had a lot of girlfriends and we saw each other every Friday night. Coffee at the bookstore followed by magazine reading. Maybe sushi for dinner, sometimes a movie.  Now? I see them once a month, if that. We moved and everyone is a lifetime away from me now. 

A couple weeks back I had (another) terrible grocery store incident. I've sworn off grocery shopping for the rest of my life. The incident was nothing really, just my credit card declined.  I actually felt so distraught over the stupid situation that I felt worthless. It's not just because it was declined. It's because it was declined the very day after I got paid. I work and work and work. I work night shift and extra shifts and still I.HAVE.NO.MONEY. 

Ok, I realize that these topics don't seem to go together really, but they do. I'm in a moderately severe depression.  I don't know what to do about it. Should I go see someone? I've taken Lexapro for 8 years now. EIGHT YEARS! I really don't know what to do.  Mark wants another baby... the idea of that makes me feel like I am going to hyperventilate. I need to lose weight. I need to organize my life. I need... I need... I need so much that finding a starting point to help me make things better is so fucking difficult I find it impossible.  So when things are too hectic, when they seem to difficult, do nothing. That's my mantra.

NaNoWriMo

NaNoWriMo is not another language. Well, not really. It's National Novel Writing Month. NOVEMBER! Of which today is the first.  The pressures of the "story" come at a cost to me if I have to deal with it every day. (Which is why I am a scientist, not an author.) So I have elected to do my own thing here and write a blog post every single day the whole month.  This will include my world famous annual Thanksgiving post. What? You've never heard it? Well read-up boys and girls. I have a lot to say and whole months worth of blog posts to say it. 

OK, so to start I want to give my faithful reader(s) an opportunity to pitch in and tell me something that they would enjoy my talking about. If you have a topic that you'd like to read my opinions on, leave me a comment in the, errr, comment section.  My only rule is that I don't talk about politics. I don't like politics. To be honest, I don't fully understand all that goes on and don't care to read, talk, nor write about it. So all those requests will be subsequently denied and the reader banned from commenting on my posts ever again. (That's a bluff, I can't ban you. But I really will ignore you.) 

So, go! 

Waging a War on My Lifestyle.

I am overweight... No surprises there, I'm sure. But wait (weight?), there's more: I have PCOS, type II diabetes, high blood pressure... I take pills for anxiety and depression. I have no energy and all this is compounded by my working 3rd shift.


There's all that and I love fast food. Easy food. Greasy food. French fries, fried chicken sandwiches are my favorite. I have a gross addiction to sweet tea and (very sweet) iced coffee. And I have been having an obscene affair with chocolate chip cookies all my life.

But yesterday... :sigh: and : teary-eyes: My son informed me that I have a big belly. I really thought I had a few more years before he was going to point that out. I dont know if someone was saying something and he over-heard them or he just made an innocent observation. I just said, I sure do, you're right. And we kept moving. I wasn't upset with him... but for myself. And with myself. It's stupid to be this fat. I'm stupid for being this fat. Mark wants us to have another baby. I really do not think I can like this. I mean, I was this weight when I got pregnant with Quinn... so I can. But the end was hard and disappointing. (And happy too, cause Quinn, WOW! He's an awesome kid!)

I'm 38.5 years old. (The half is important cause 39 is just around the corner.) I feel like it's too late. Like I'm stupid for trying at this point. I am what I am and it is what it is.... That's my self-esteem talking though. LIke I'd rather make jokes about it than take care of it. Or once again try and fail. But the logical, intelligent side of me says "THERE IS NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT!!" So I need to get my ass moving and figure out what works for me and just fucking do it already.

So, I have a book I'm reading "The Low GI Diet Revolution." I am going to try it because of the diabetes and PCOS. It says it's safe for women who are trying to get pregnant and who are pregnant. It says you start with a 12 week program and if you do right you lose 5-10% of your body fat during that 12 weeks. Then you take time to maintain, I don't know how much time yet, and you start again. I'll give more details as I get to it.

So... Here we go.