A Neapolitan Life

So Yesterday...

2012-02-12T04:08:00.001-05:00

Was not a great day. The night shift just about took my wind outta my sails for a bit. I made it home and slept like the dead for 6 hours. Then I got up and played with my boys and cooked them supper. It was nice. It was nice to be there altogether. Then is snowed for all of 12 seconds. Then I went back to bed. So yeah, Not eventful.

But ya know what? I am the luckiest person I know. And I take it for granted that I'm healthy and I have a healthy, happy family. If people who are going through the worst thing of their lives can be grateful and appreciative of their family, why can't I? And I am, I know I am... but sometimes that gets lost in the hustle and bustle and exhaustion of another day.

So it's time to put it forefront of my life. Starting NOW.

Sleepy!

2012-02-11T02:30:00.000-05:00

I am having some difficulties keeping my eyes on the prize this morning. The prize being my bed and sleeping. I tried to read, but my eyes keep crossing. Coffee isn't cutting the mustard either. Damn it! What am I going to do??!

Important Decisions

2012-02-04T20:48:00.000-05:00

This is worthy of it's own post.

If I were to become a Vampire Slayer... I decided I would only wear black leather pants and I would invest in some spikey, black, steel-toed boots. I'd wear various colored tops, I'd probably wear a kick-ass leather jacket too.

I was watching Buffy earlier and I wonder why she doesn't wear steel-toed boots... that lead to my thought of what I would wear. Since Slayers have awesome bodies, I would rock those leather pants. I mean my ass would be butter in those pants. And even though I'd be incredibly strong and fast- the steel-toed boots would be an asset.

The String Test

2012-02-04T20:41:00.002-05:00

Ok, yeah, most old wives tales are a little hokey. I know. But this? This is cool!

The idea is you put a wedding band (it does not need to be YOURS) on a string. The person you're "testing" holds their right hand palm up and you dangle the string with the band hanging down over their palm. If the string moves circular- it's a girl. If the string swings back and forth- it's a boy. If the string doesn't move- you won't give birth. You repeat the process to determine how many children you'll have and what gender.

So that's the idea in a nutshell. I read that if you're already pregnant you can dangle it at your babybump and it'll do the same thing to tell the gender, but as I am not pregnant this is not applicable to me yet.

My coworker Rou told me about this trick and, like you are now, I scoffed. Silliness. But then she showed me- I am going to have two boys. It swayed back and forth twice then stopped the third try. We then went to another co-worker Linh. She has two children, a girl first, then a boy. And what do you think happened? First it went round and round, then it swayed back and forth, then nothing. Yes, Seriously. Then we tried another co-worker Kim... same results- she has two girls, two round and round and then a stop.

So it's very exciting to "know" I'm going to have another boy when I get pregnant again... and to be relaxed about having another one because I will.

And yeah, I know that this is for entertainment purposes... sort of like your horoscope. But it was fun and eerily accurate... so I'm a believer.

Baby # 2?

2012-02-02T03:59:00.002-05:00

No, Hell no... I'm not pregnant. Not yet at least.

So as the title says, #2... Wow, right? I'm 37. I'll be 38 in April. Then 39. Then 40. (!!!!) We're not long on time for the "tryin'" now. So we went right to fertility drugs. We had a miscarriage right before Christmas. Disappointing, but then there's HEY! IT WORKED! Too. So a heaping bag of mixed emotions from Santa.

So now, this weekend is the weekend that's the weekend for the trying. My problem is, ugh. I'm tired. My husband is super sexy. But, ugh. So tired. I haven't felt very "special" lately. It's all these night shifts I think. So, I have to get into lovin' mode. I might try to find some (VERY) inexpensive sexy undies. Then I'll wear them and not tell Mark and that'll make me mysterious and sexy. Right? Right.

So wish us luck. I'd like to get the pregnancy part underway. That way when Baby #2 is born I'll only dirt old and not older than dirt. Dig?

So here's where we stand on possible baby names: Elizabeth Jewel or Owen Alexander.

I KNEW IT!!!!!

2012-02-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

This morning I sat on the floor sipping on a cup of coffee watching my almost 2 year old crawl around, chase the dog, and make meow sounds. It was bliss. It was so settling just to be near him.

It's been a good day. I found out there are still good, no- Great!, people in the world. They can be strangers, neighbors, old, young, male, female, but they're out there. They'll surprise you, please you, make you cry... but they exist! I mean I always knew the world still possessed good people beyond my own personal little world. But now I KNOW.

As Peter Pan would say "I do! I do! I do believe..."

So if you're reading this, and you know who you are, Thanks for making my day!! <3

What a great thought to head to bed with!

What Are You Reading?

2012-01-17T03:49:00.000-05:00

I just started Stephen King's 11/22/63. It's an intimidating 849 page book about time travel. The way it started seductively sucked me in immediately. I'm hoping our Mr. King can keep the pace, cause it's well on its way to becoming a favorite.

So... what are YOU reading?

I think I might read an oldie "Time and Again" by Jack Finney (sp?) next. It's about time travel too, but I don't know the specifics.

The Winged Heart

2012-01-16T06:36:00.001-05:00

Let Thy wish become my desire, let Thy will become my deed;

Let Thy word become my speech, Beloved, and let Thy love become my creed.

How to Get Warm.

2012-01-15T17:31:00.000-05:00

First, get in bed under two blankets while dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, a zip up hoodie. Then have one cat curl up behind your knees and have the dog curl up against your thighs. Snuggle and watch terrible movies so you don't have to bring your arms out to change the channel on the remote. If you fall asleep? Bonus.

Eventually the cat and dog changed places. I didn't even notice.

PS My choice in terrible movies was "Twilight Eclipse." I'm not even (really) embarrassed by it.

It's SO COLD! (and a couple other random thoughts.)

2012-01-15T14:12:00.001-05:00

I am not usually phased by the cold, but today I can't seem to get warm. It probably doesn't help that I am sitting on the floor with the coffee table pulled up to my chest, but it's comfy down here. I'm not sure it's a trade off for being chilled to the bone, but I haven't gotten up yet so that's something.

Earlier today Quinn wanted to go outside. He has just started making requests, asking for things, so we took him and it's an ice cube out there. We went for a walk around the (very small) block and had to cut it short because we were chattering in our teeth area. He was clueless. He is never bothered by being too warm or too cold. I'm sure he'll grow out of it though. Mark gets cold too easy and I get hot too easy. Our temperatures will never mesh, so I'm curious which Quinn will be.

So later today we're going to my in-laws to celebrate Nana's 91st birthday. She doesn't want us to mention her age. I guess I wouldn't either. But 91! And she's not just an average 91 year old. She still lives alone, is sharper than a tack, still grocery shops for herself, etc... It's really impressive. I have never known a 91 year old that is in as good a mental and, really, physical shape as she is. She gets tired easy and is a little unsteady on her feet sometimes, but let's face it, so am I. I require more sleep than most people, so Mark tells me.

Nana said no presents! Right. I bought her one of those coffee cups that you can write or draw on. I had the idea to take it tonight and have everyone write a happy birthday wish, but Mark vetoed that idea. So I drew two birds with hearts and a few cherry blossoms. It turned out better than I thought it would. I become so anxiety ridden when I make people things. Some of my in-law family doesn't really care for me, so as soon as I start thinking about creating a gift I imagine they will laugh and point behind my back and say how kindergarten it looks and how ridiculous and stupid I am for trying to give whatever it is as a gift. Mark says I am imaging things, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

We'll see. I'll report back how she liked it (or said she liked it, she's too nice to tell me it's crappy.) And I'll post a picture or two. I haven't "cooked" it yet. It said to wait an hour so it's not quite finished yet.

Sleep... a brief comment

2012-01-12T04:30:00.002-05:00

I am so sleepy right now I can barely hold my head up. So I'm going to go to bed as soon as I get home. IF the Dog barks and wakes me up? I am going to rip out his tongue and feed it to him. /discussion

Seriously Thought Provoking Questions!

2012-01-10T21:05:00.001-05:00

I was watching TV today... Ok, I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (again) today. In the specific episode that these questioned occurred to me, Spike had killed 10-12 people and then had to drink pigs blood for sustenance while he came "off" the "juice." So here's the deal:

1) Do Vampires have a blood type preference? I know in True Blood they bottled, synthetic blood has a type. And in Angel, Lorne's bar, they have specific type blood and plasma available. So do they really have a "type"?

2) Do Vampires worry about blood born pathogens? AIDS, Hepatitis, etc... Wouldn't they be better off to get their blood from the blood service after it's had its testing performed?

3) Do women taste different than men? What about different ethnicity? Does age make a difference? Can they tell if the "donor" is old, young or middle aged?

4) If someone is ill, ie the flu, cancer, has the herp or a case of Syphillis... can they tell? Do they care? Will they get it?

I wish I knew a real vampire so I could get the answers to these questions? It's sad to be so puzzled with no hope of clarification.

Good Coworkers... you read that right!

2011-12-14T04:29:00.001-05:00

I figure this... I've bitched so much about the "bad" that I need to emphasis the good. First, I acknowledge that I sometimes get caught up in the negative and forget to praise the positive... but I don't want to do that anymore.

I have some really good, even great, people that I work with. But there is one in particular that is so approachable and good hearted. She's easy to talk to, she's got a great deal of common sense, and she always treats people with respect.

I had an issue tonight with an instrument and she just jumped right in and helped me. It was really fantastic to be supported in such a fabulous way. It's awesome to know you're not hanging out their on your own with your chair about to trip.

In other news, the "bad" coworker commented on in previous posts was relieved of her duties last week. Deservedly so. I'm sure, deep down, she's a good person. But clearly she has more on her plate than she can handle. I wish her well, but I'm certainly glad I do not have to deal with her any longer.

Ok then, back to work myself. :)

PS The next post is going to be Quinn-centric... batten down the hatches folks, that kid is a bumpy ride!

Randomness is Random.

2011-12-06T03:53:00.000-05:00

I'm bored. And tired. And at work. Rough, rough combination. So here is some random randomness for ya...

1) Yesterday my phone autocorrected "Varina" to read "Vagina". On facebook. Randomly. It was well received as funny, so I left it.

2) I am reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." by Steig Larsson. It is every bit as good as everyone professed it to be.

3) I am feeling the urge to draw again. So I've reserved a couple of library books and then I have been looking through http://www.dragoart.com/ It is a GREAT website with step-by-step directions for just about anything. I've collected a few things to look over and work on at home. I am excited to learn. I kind of wish I had taken drawing classes when I was a teenager in highschool. Or in college. Hey, maybe I can go back and find an adult drawing class. Like at the technical school or something. It would be really fun. Maybe one of the junior/community colleges has a class I can take that's not too expensive. That would be real fun! I think my dad took a painting class at John Tyler CC once. I'll have to look in to it.

4) Be careful who you text people! Yesterday the babysitter showed me some accidentally received text of male genitalia. Folks, don't been sending pictures of your wang to random people. Be especially careful if you have to type in the phone number and don't have it programmed in your phone book. I received a text from a random number today too. It said "too cute." I figured out who it was, sadly they didn't mean me. It was a let down.

5) Coffee rules. I really want a french press. I think it would be fun to have some think, rich coffee to drink.

6) I have not been very helpful at work tonight. I just don't have it in me. I'm tired and cranky. More than a little bit emotional. I need sleep. I need a hot shower. And maybe some one-on-one time with my Mister.

/randomnessy random

THANKS NICKELODEON! Thanks for NOTHIN'!!

2011-12-04T06:21:00.001-05:00

The Rugrats... remember them? Adorable cartoon babies. With Angelica, the cranky know-it-all toddler.

THEY ARE TEENAGERS NOW! Like, actually on tv. The show apparently has been on all these years and they are all grown up.

My world has been turned upside down. How did this happen? When did I get this old? Don't answer that.

Bad coworkers... again (Part 2 of things that annoy me at work)

2011-12-01T03:13:00.001-05:00

You cannot say even a HELLO to this girl and she is jumping down your throat. She's so defensive and aggressive. She has no self-esteem and no education. She's driving me nuts. It's so tense when she's around. I don't understand it. She effects the entire lab so negatively that when she's here everyone doesn't talk, doesn't walk around, they just stay in their corners and keep to themselves.

It's really very sad that she has such an effect on people. I feel bad for her. But at the same time, I'm angry because she's fucking up my work life.

Someone make it stop.

The Gift.

2011-11-28T10:49:00.001-05:00

Quinn left presents on my side of the bed. He's so silly.

GIVE UP YOUR BLOOD! Bwahahahahaha

2011-11-28T04:45:00.000-05:00

No seriously.

Right now, our local blood services has 5 units of O negative blood to support all of the metro Richmond area. And do you know why? Because people are not donating. It's a busy time of year folks, I get it. But think of how you can affect the lives of the sick and helpless. Think of it... 1-1.5 hours of your time positively affects three lives. 3!! So go. Put it on your to-do list. Pat yourselves on the back. Get a latte as a reward. But GO.

Just tonight, we've had to give products that are not exactly matching to people in the hospital due to the lack of resources available. The demand is outweighing the supply by leaps and bounds and with the holidays here, it's just going to get worse.

SO, specifically, if you are Rh NEGATIVE or type O. GIVE IT UP PEOPLE! GIVE.IT.UP. Go now! Run! You can do it!

The weather...

2011-11-27T03:08:00.001-05:00

So I predicted we would get some snow, flurries or what not, this past week. Not only was I WRONG about that, but it has been extremely warm during the day. This has been good for my boy since he likes the outside more than the inside (who does he get that from? My mom maybe?)

I keep wondering when Winter is going to kick in. I'm ready man! I want some cold weather. Gimme some highs in the 40's and lows in the teens. I need it. I feel bad for the beautiful people who get SAD, but I don't. I need my winters. Plus, if it snows I'm free from going to work. I live too far away.

PS I never heard back from the author I emailed. The consensus was that I am not a jerk face for emailing him.

PPS I just started my first Jack Reacher novel by Lee Child. I REALLY like it!!

PPPS Don't read David Baldacci's One Summer. It's gut wrenching and doesn't have a happy enough ending to make all that emotion worth it. Sorry Davy.

French press....

2011-11-26T08:47:00.003-05:00

Should I ask Santa for one?

500

2011-11-26T08:47:00.001-05:00

I love to play scrabble! I have been playing wordfeud on my phone with people for a while now.

This one particular game I scored a 208 point Bingo! My game score was 500 points, the most for me ever!!

Bingo is when you play a word using all of your letters.

Writer's block...

2011-11-21T14:17:00.001-05:00

When your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

Most Pleasant...

2011-11-21T03:47:00.000-05:00

The last 2-3 work nights have been actually pleasant. Quiet and calm, tension free and productive. I've enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm so glad. I like what I do for a living. I like where I work. I just want it to be like this all the time. Everyone has no reason not to be nice to one another.

My mama always told me that you don't have to like the people you work with, but you do have to work with them- so make the best of it and keep the tension low. That's what I aim to do. For someone not to like me just because they don't- well it's dumb. But it is what it is. As long as we can all just chill and respect one another, I really don't think there would be any issues.

Now... in about 3.5 hours or so I am off for 4 days (3 nights) and I am most definietly looking forward to it. Quinn and his cousins are having their pictures taken on Wednesday. Then Wednesday evening is date night with a most wonderful friend, Jessica. We're going to see Breaking Dawn I and probably having dinner together. I haven't seen her or spent time with her in about two months. I am so looking forward to it. Then Friday night is dinner with two other friends. Plus T-day is in the middle.

I'm working on my Thanksgiving post already. I might do a list again. 100 things I'm Thankful for. Yes? It's a lot... but I can do it.

Is This Obnoxious?

2011-11-20T03:46:00.000-05:00

I am reading The Cold Moon by Jeffery Deaver. I came across a passage where he talks about blood typing and he gives, in my opinion, grossly eroneous information. So, I emailed him. I have never done this sort of thing before. It's too late to take it back and I do not expect he'll read it, but here is what I wrote anyway.

Hello Mr. Deaver, I hope this email finds you well. I have read two of your Lincoln Rhyme books before this one and enjoy their fast-paced, interesting stories. I think the characters are so likeable, but with faults and problems, which really humanizes them to me.

I work at a hospital 45 minutes from my house, so I have a long commute. I rent books on CD from the local library system to keep me entertained on the long drives, that was how I came upon your books in the first place. I am reading paper copies (also library books) now because not very many are available to me in audio format.

I am in the beginning pages of "The Cold Moon" and I came across a part in Chapter 5 regarding blood typing. The sentence reads "... the blood, which Mel Cooper tested and found to be human and type AB positive, which meant that both A and B antigens - proteins- were present in the victim's plasma, and neither anti-A nor anti-B were. In addition, a separate protein, Rh, was present. The combination of the AB antigens and Rh positive made the victims the third-rarest blood type, accounting for about 3.5 percent of the population."

I've worked in Transfusion medicine for over 10 years, including working in a reference lab identifying difficult antibodies in plasma and finding rare blood for transfusion. The above passage regarding the blood typing has some gross errors in it. Antigens, which are proteins, are found on the red cells, not in the plasma. The Anti-A and Anti-B are antibodies, not antigens and, right, they are found in plasma.

Furthermore, the Rh factor, also a protein, but is also found only on the red cells. The absence of the factor accounts for people that are Rh negative. (i.e. O Neg, A Neg, B Neg, AB Neg.) Being AB pos is a "rare" blood type, but the Rh factor is not the reason why. Only about 15% of the population is Rh negative, the majority of those being Caucasian.

In addition, while being AB positive is rare (AB negative being the only blood type more rare), when taking transfusion needs into consideration, the patient would be able to receive ANY type of blood regardless of both the antigens present or the Rh factor.

I work night shift and my coworkers are teasing me about emailing you, I hope you do not take offense. If, for future writings, you would need any technical expertise, feel free to email me back. I'd be happy to be of help

Any thoughts? Am I a big ol' jerk?

Fried Chicken Secrets

2011-11-20T02:12:00.001-05:00

My coworker brought in some fried chicken for dinner tonight. She gave me a piece. It was REALLY good. Like REALLY REALLY good. She gave me instructions on how to fry it correctly. I'm going to try it, but I doubt I'll get it anywhere near as good as hers. She uses a fry-daddy. I don't have one of those. I'm not sure I should get one. I don't like the smell of the oil and it's not exactly healthy.

Her secret though? She puts a thin coat of hot sauce on the chicken before she coats it with flour salt, pepper, garlic and parsley. You can't even taste the hot sauce, but I bet it wouldn't be near as good without it. I might try this with some tenders and see how I do. Or maybe some boneless thighs.

Things that happen at my job and annoy me. Part 1

2011-11-19T02:48:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I have enough things at work that bother me, annoy me, piss me off in general that I''ve decided to dedicate a series of posts to them. I do this, not just to complain, but also as some cheap therapy. If I vent it out on here. I won't vent it out there.

So tonight:

1) Another coworker, she's new to me I had not met her before tonight. I was hoping to have some sort of connection to her as I do not have that with, well, anyone else. But alas, it is not to be. So far in the 3.45 hours we've worked together she has managed to criticise my parenting, tell me I'm wrong about a perception I have of another coworker and talk over me to compare her child (who is about 5-6 weeks older than Quinn) to mine.

Ex: I was commenting on how he likes Curious George, Dino Dan... educational tv shows. My son is not sitting around watching Spongue Bob (I hate that cartoon.) and the like. She says that her daughter just doesn't enjoy tv. She likes her books and toys. And a few minutes later, proceeds to tell us how her daughter loves Football. She yells "Go Packers." Ok, really? How does one reconcile infering that I am a neglectful parent because I let my kid watch education morning tv and you are not when you let your kid watch (less than educational) professional sports ALSO ON TV. Gimme a break.

2) I was playing scrabble on my phone during our coffee break. Another coworker (different from the aforementioned) comments on how she'd just love to have the time to play scrabble and it must be nice that I can do that still. Uhhhh for real? Android and the like scrabble games take all of 60 seconds to play at a time. You don't sit down and play a game start to finish- though you can, it just isn't necessary.

So that's it so far. I still have 4 hours to go and this place is really getting to me. I don't understand why people aren't more supportive and nice. I don't criticise these people for the things they do, yet I feel like I am being scrutinized a lot. I dont get it. I hope this all blows over.

PS I got a 208 point bingo using the word "EQUATORS" Q on a double letter and crossed a double word and a triple word. Best personal score yet.

PSA: Soda is the evil, Legitimately.

2011-11-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

So a couple months back it was decided, by my body, that I am diabetic. My love of the Pepsi and the sweet tea is notorious in my family... not to mention sweets in general cookies, cakes, chocolate, etc...

So the biggest challenge is soda. I gave it up for about a month. But, of course, I eased back. I have successfully graduated to sugar-free Pepsi max (It's my drug of choice at the moment.) It didn't occur to me that there would be other ramification of drinking soda.

After drinking nothing but water for a month, my joints are limber and relaxed. I drink two sodas, sugar free, and my ankles are puffed up like the stay puft marshmallow guy. It's insane. I didn't expect it. It's enough to be "off" sodas forever.

Ode to My bed.

2011-11-18T09:24:00.001-05:00

Oh dearest bed, how much I doth love thee.
Your mattress is firm and silky.
Your covers warm with glee.
You welcome me so sweetly.

You comfort me to wild abandon.
Your love is never random.
Faithfully I remain.
Never far from your domain.

I love you always and forever.

The loves of my life....

2011-11-18T04:59:00.001-05:00

I'm not entirely sure I would make it without them.

Stomach Pains

2011-11-18T03:27:00.001-05:00

I'm at work. There is so much tension. So much inter-personnel strife that my stomach is in a knot. I didn't cause it. I didn't participate in it. I don't know how to fix it. But I alternately feel like crying and vomiting. I didn't want to come back to an environment that is so toxic and stressful. I don't know what to do. I can't quit. I can't go anywhere. And even if I did, it would be the same every where I went. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. It really is exhausting.

It's like it's "them" against "us" and by "us" I mean most me. They don't have to like me. I don't care. But they should really be professional. I don't really want to complain. But I will. (To the boss I mean.)

Weather prediction

2011-11-16T23:39:00.001-05:00

It will snow next Wednesday or Thursday.

Awake...

2011-11-16T07:48:00.001-05:00

I am never the only one awake in my house. Often I am the only one asleep. It's nice to be in the quiet. It's calming watching my guys sleep. They're so peaceful.

10 Reasons- A LIST

2011-11-15T02:00:00.002-05:00

I love lists. Love'em. So here's a fun one.

REASONS I LOVE YOU QUINN MOBLEY

1) You act like you’re going to give a kiss, you lean toward and purse your lips together and say “mmmhhhh” and then at the last second you turn and run away laughing maniacally.

2) When you’re mad, don’t get your way, feel like it… you run as fast as you can, fake crying, to the front of the house and throw your whole body down on the only place in the house that’s carpeted. You kick your feet and pound your tiny fists and then turn to look to see if one of us is watching.

3) You body bounce off of us and then look at us sincerely and ask “Alright?”

4) I say “Night-Night”… you say “Night-Night-Night”… I say “Night-Night-Night” … you say “Night-Night-Night-Night.” So forth and so on until I stop saying it.

5) You also do that with Hello. Only you pronounce it Heh-Whoa.

6) You’re ticklish on both sides of you body and the back of your legs and the bottoms of your feet.

7) You learn things SO FAST. You love your cars and we showed you once how to make them zoom and you got it and zoom them all over the house.

8) You look so much like your daddy it takes my breath away.

9) No matter how many times Thor Mobley tries to bite your fingers when you touch him, you love him so much. You keep feeding him and playing. He’s your best friend.

10) You have my eyes. I love looking in them and seeing me. It validates who I am as a woman. And bonus, they’re very pretty.

There, of course, are a thousand and one other reasons I love you, but here are ten for prosperity.

Android!

2011-11-14T09:45:00.001-05:00

I just downloaded the Blogger ap to my phone. Bwahadhaha you'll never get rid of me now.

Also, my feet hurt something awful!!

"Hard Lessons" Con't....

2011-11-14T04:12:00.000-05:00

So, further thinking, comments has brought me to the conclusion that I need to set boundries. I'm not good at that I guess. I want people to think highly of me and like me. I need to disassociate people liking me and doing my job. The two should not have to mix. It's easier if they do, but certainly not necessary.

So I just need to establish my line in the sand that I'm not going to let people cross. I have to do so professionally and maturely taking emotion OUT. Herein lies the issue. I'm an emotional person. I emote. It's what I do. So pushing the feelings of inadequacy and wanting people to think I'm cool down in favor of professionalism, etc... is a bit difficult for me. But I have to do it.

So, kind readers... any advice? Gimme. Gimme.

Hard Lessons

2011-11-14T02:34:00.000-05:00

I can never seem to remember some things... no matter how many times I learn them. A big one, one in the forefront of my life right now, is not to get involved with my coworkers. Not romantically, I don't mean that. I mean, You just never know what people are thinking. You may think you're doing right, doing your part, helping out. But your coworkers can, and do, see it different. I'm not sure how or why... but it's really frustrating.

Tonight's example, someone told me I am difficult with regards to picking up extra shifts. Really? I'm so sorry. I thought working 4 (FOUR!) Saturday nights in a row was really the very opposite of difficult. I thought it was above and beyond. I don't see anyone else scheduled for 4 Saturdays in a row. Yet I am difficult. She says she was told by our manager that I would pick up all the extra Saturdays. I wasn't told I would be expected to do that. I would never have agreed to it. I was told I would have to pitch in and help out on the shortages... and I am. (FOUR IN A ROW.) So I'm not sure. I took a look at her schedule and she doesn't have any extra Saturdays. She says she's a single mom so she can't work that many. I say, not my problem. I have a son, I have a husband and family to account to as well.

I'm very annoyed. VERY.

Happy Birthday MOM!!

2011-11-10T01:52:00.000-05:00

My mom would've been 59 today. It's hard to believe, still, that she's been gone 11 years. I miss her more right this second than ever before.

I Heart Nathan Fillion!!!

2011-11-08T03:20:00.002-05:00

This morning when I get off of work at 7:30 am I am going to go have a Castle marathon to catch up on the season.

I first fell in love with Mr. Fillion during "Firefly" then "Serenity"... he was a creepy preacher on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" also. He is such a fun actor and he's done so much work with Joss Whedon, who creates such great shows and characters you just have to adore him.

So now he's had his own show, Castle, for a few seasons now. The show is so much fun. It is a very modern "Murder She Wrote." Now, wait, I know that sounds horrible... but in todays world, so much tv is based on sex or drugs or violence... not that those are bad things. Shows like "Breaking Bad" are clever and smart. But it's refreshing to watch a show that has humor and drama and easy murder mysteries. That's what Murder She Wrote was for me as a kid. My family and I would watch it on Sunday nights. It came on CBS, I think, at 8pm. We would sit all together in the living room with our notepads and watch the show and write down our opinions of "whodoneit." I was never right. At least I don't remember being right. I'm often right these days, but that doesn't take away the fun factor.

So yeah, I enjoy it so very much. His Character, Rick Castle, is suave and nerdy at the same time. I love his off-the-wall theories and ideas. He's great. Becket, his romantic interest, is ok. She's the dry no-nonsense half, which the show needs, but it makes her less interesting to me.

So watch it. It's great!

Disappointing people

2011-11-07T03:41:00.000-05:00

First, I'll admit, I'm not always easy to deal with, live with, be with. I'm sure Mark could attest to that, though I don't think he would admit it. But to be fair to myself, I'm a really nice person. Like REALLY nice. I'm thoughtful and generous and when I love you, there's no getting out of it.

The last week has been rough though. With the anniversary of my mom's passing I wanted my family to be together. Not to mourn, though that is always part of things this time of year, but to just be. My sister doesn't care for my dad's girlfriend and so refused to join us. It's petty and attention-seeking behavior, but it annoys me all the same. Why not put that aside to be with us? Why punish me, dad, your nephew just to show your tail? I don't get it. It was really disappointing. I really needed her this weekend. I am not one to reach out when I need help, but I did this time and she shot me down. She says she's coming down next weekend, but I'll be shocked if she does.

Then... grrrrr... my sister-in-law is a peach. She and her husband went on a vacation. They brought back my two nephews gifts, but nothing for Quinn. I don't need them to spend money on my kid... but it bothered me that they'd snub him that way. Why not be fair? Treat all three of them equally? She doesn't like me, so I'm 100% sure that was what the issue was and this was her way of showing me. I get it. Thanks for the update, the feeling is mutual- especially if you keep doing shit like this. I don't want my boy's feelings hurt over stuff like this. He doesn't deserve to be excluded, it's not his fault that we don't get along. I know he doesn't "get it" right now and the other two getting presents isn't affecting him at all... but it will, and soon. He's a smart kid and he'll pick up on it. What do I tell him? Sorry they don't like me so you don't get to be treated nicely? That's not cool. Not cool at all.

In good news tonight... when Mark was putting Quinn to bed I was laying down to rest before work tonight. Mark got him dressed in his pj's and Quinn came running into our bedroom and cried to get up on our bed with me. He (voluntarily) gave me a big, fat, wet night-night kiss. GOD BLESS that boy! I love him more than there are words.

11 years... unbelievable.

2011-11-03T03:28:00.000-04:00

Today, at about 5:45 am will mark the 11th year since my mom, Libby, passed away. It is really difficult to fathom that it has been this long. So many things have changed since 2000. I got divorced, remarried, had a baby, 4 miscarriages, became estranged and reconnected with my dad and sister... we bought a house, lost a house, moved to the ghetto (Prince George style.) just to name a few of the bigger items.

And yet, after all this, I know she'd still be proud of me. Concerned about me maybe, but proud just the same. If all this had happened and I didn't have Quinn I would not feel this way. But having him has changed my perspective. I get it. I know that if he were in my situation and had been through what I have, I would still love him so fiercely that I could not feel anything but pride. It's so good to know she'd feel this way. Still... I miss her so much. I tell Quinn about her all the time. I show him pictures. I sing him her favorite songs. I tell him how incredibly much she would be in love with him and how I know she is so sad she can't be there to tell him herself. I guess I just have to love him double time for the both of us.

If I could tell her one thing... RIP mom. We're O.K.

2011-10-27T19:22:00.000-04:00

Stand It Up

A friend of mine, Mike, has started a really interesting blog. It mostly revolves around training, but he also talks about live, love, relationships. His viewpoints are fresh and intelligent and really well written. Help a brother out, follow his blog and tell your friends.

OR ELSE. (I don't know or else what.)

Birds nest on my front porch!

2011-05-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-07T23:42:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms, grandmoms, terrific Aunts and cousins and Godmothers... everyone who loves anyone like a parent would love a child. Here's to you, CHEERS!!!

So today was a rough day, but I had a fun little surprise from my Mens today. Mark came home from working and picked up Quinn and took him to the hardware store to pick up something or another. They walk in from that and Mark says to Quinn to show me what he has... Quinn has the BEST smile. Ear to Ear. He hands me the mother's day card and then comes to me for a hug... these two things were the most glorious things ever. He doesn't know about Mother's day, but he was excited to give me the card and the hug. He is just so awesome.

So the card is sweet, of course. Then Mark says they picked out a couple of things for our new house. A gnome for good luck. The gnome is awesome. Not a traditional gnome, an awesome fun gnome. And a beautiful wooden red cardinal.

A few years ago Mark bought a chubby blue bird for his Nana. But I loved it so I told him I wanted to keep it and he got me another one. So they sit side-by-side, aka love birds. Also recently, Mark has started yelling "RED BIRD" every time he sees a cardinal. So the other day I started yelling out anything I saw... squirrel, leaf, flower... all of it. It became a big joke. Hence the red bird.

My boys love me. I love them. They make every day worth the effort of putting on my big girl panties and being an adult. <3

:sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

2011-05-02T23:59:00.001-04:00

Personal demons are the very worst. It seems like they just never go away. Try as I may to squelch them, they rear their ugly heads, breathe their fire, and drag me back into their neurosis.

We're broke. Not just broke. BUT B.R.O.K.E. We are on the verge of gathering up some sticks from the yard, tying some bandannas and marching 1x1 down the street with our hobo sticks. Can you see it? Mark, then me, then Quinn crawling his happy crawl, followed by Thor and the cats, all with different color bandannas. We can carry a change of underwear and some bread and water. Maybe we'll let Quinn carry a toy, or maybe he can use his Kawaski 4 wheeler and ride it down the street rather than crawling his happy crawl.

We grew up poor. It seems like all my friends did, but we were really poor. My parents bought their first house after 26 years of marriage and I'm about to lose mine at age 37. I think about it and I didn't want Quinn to grow up in an apartment or trailer or whatnot. I wanted us to be in a neighborhood with trees and sidewalks (not that we have sidewalks now, but whatever.) And the simple fact that we're not there right now is killing me. Irrational, I know, but I feel like, he's only ONE and I've already fucked his life up. I get that he doesn't know the difference and he can't possibly care. I get that I'm not really that bad off and if financial struggles is the worst that my small family has to face then I WIN. I know these things, but it doesn't ward off the feelings of failure or inadequacy.

The very real reality is that I can take care of Quinn. I dont have to RUSH back to work (not that the job market is cooperating with me), but I can wait for the right job. I can raise my son for a bit and take care of our new home and take care of myself. And these things are GOOD things. Getting rid of all the crap that we've surrounded ourselves with? A very good thing.

If I could just beat these demons back then the forecast would be Sunny with a chance of Kick Ass. (Thanks Beckett.)

37

2011-04-29T23:39:00.000-04:00

So far, sucks as much as 36 did.

So another birthday passes. I usually make a list and talk about what I'm happy about and things that have changed and all that. But I don't feel like it this year. So I'm just going to say this....

If 37 kicks 36's ass in the shitty year department, I'm just going to give up. So, come on 37... you've got some work to do. BE BETTER. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS HOLY, BE BETTER.

Thanks in advance,
Jennifer

"Suck me Mother"

2011-04-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

You know, blogger follows you around. If you access my blog, it doesn't tell me who you are, but it does tell me what sites accessed it, search words, etc...

So, whomever you are that found my blog using the google search words "Suck me mother." I have no words of wisdom for you... I just hope you found what you were looking for.

Cheers.

The Quiet

2011-04-25T17:36:00.002-04:00

Silence is completely underrated. One day last week I came home from dropping off my boy and the house was silent except for the white noise buzz. It was so totally awesome.

Mr. Mob and lil'Q just went out to... I don't know where, Lowes or the the grocery store, I'm not sure. And the silence is overwhelming in a good way.

I remember when I lived alone, the silence was the hardest part. The night I moved into my little house after leaving my first husband, I actually went and bought a tv and a dvd player just so I could go to sleep. I didn't have cable and I couldn't get any of the network tv shows to come in... it was so quiet I couldn't stand it.

Now? I can't get enough of it.

I realize....

2011-04-25T00:30:00.001-04:00

...that my last post made little sense to anyone who is not in my head. Unfortunately, my head was on Ambien so I am not sure I can even fully explain what I don't remember writing.

The dreams part, that was real. I wonder if my subconscious is telling me to write more often or, ya know, at all. Or maybe they're telling me to stop thinking entirely. (That'd be my first option, should I get to choose.)

So, here's the main issue. I dont have a job. Haven't had a job for over a month now. And I'm going out of my fucking head. I'm so bored. I'm home alone or with a one year old ALL the time. All of that put together makes me want to shoot myself in the head. (Not literally, I am not suicidal.) I'm just so bored. SO SO SO SO bored. I need a purpose, an agenda, something that has something to do with not taking care of Quinn and Mark. I could clean, but I really don't want to. I could organize, but I don't want to do that either.

I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a job. I need a fucking job. There is just nothing to apply for. I've applied for everything. Stuff above my head, below my head, everything in between. Nothing. Two interviews. Two more potential interviews and they fizzled out. And freaking nothing. :sigh:

Did I mention how bored I am?

Dreams and Realities

2011-04-21T02:02:00.000-04:00

Almost every night I have this oh-so-vivid dreams and in them I'm writing a story of some kind. It seems like they, the dreams, are almost telling me what to do. I dream about my childhood, my teen years. I dream about old friendships long past their prime.

Last week, specifically, I was driving around Chester on the streets that I grew up on. I can't remember who was in the car with me, but he or she gave me wrong directions and I ended up sitting outside the Taylor house. I went to school with the two oldest girls. One was a year ahead and one a year behind. We lost track of one another early into teen years. Probably when I started high school. Anyway, I digress, we were in a car that wasn't mine, but I was driving and we were sitting in front of this large brown house. You could see that there is a pool from the street, but not into the pool due to the large privacy fence. None of this detail matters, it is just to point out how very vivid this part was. So my stranger friend checks the directions and we determine we need to move on and find the right house. As we drive away I stare back at it through the rear-view mirror.

That's all I remember of that dream. I know that all sounds like a big ol' snoozefest. But I can't help wondering if the imaginary friends in my imaginary car sitting in front of real life old friends at their real life old houses where I spent so much of my adolescence means something.

The truth of the matter is, the once thriving social circle of supportive loved ones has withered away to a few friends playing ring-ring-around-the-Jennifer, to keep me supported. I'm sure they're tiring of my neediness ,I am tired of my neediness. But they listen and support just as I would if they needed it.

So back to the dreams... If I were to attempt to dissect my own neurosis, I would wonder if these dreams were telling me I need to make changes. Stagnation is good for no one. I am in a place where I all I can do is stand here. Wait here. Stay behind the yellow line and take a number to be the next up to play "Get a Life."

A "friend" recently told me that, while she knows I am a good person, I am in a "Downward Spiral" (and she doesn't want part of that, but that's not what this is about.) But she's wrong, dead wrong. I'm not spiraling anywhere. I'm standing still. My feet are concrete. I can't move if I tried. I have to chip away the lead legs first and the only way to do that is figure out which direction I need to go.

Help us out!!!

2011-04-14T00:13:00.000-04:00

Mark made an off-handed comment recently about his ability to run for President in 2012. He has all the qualifications. So he said, that's it! I'm going to do it. So... being his ever supporting wife and having ever supporting friends we have set up a facebook page for him and soon there will be a tweeter and possibly a website.

Mark Mobley- Future Presidential Candidate 2012

Please go to this link and click "like" and share it with others. We're not delusional enough to believe he could win, plus we're broke. But it would be interesting to see how many people responded to an undereducated, but yet intelligent, honest man. I know I would.

So, please share and share alike. I'm hoping to get to 100 likes by his Birthday, June 17th. He'll be 35- the last hurdle to prevent him from running!!

Update from the last entry...

2011-04-12T17:27:00.001-04:00

The Good: Quinn had his 1 year check up. He is 22 lbs and 29.75 in of crazy hot mess. He appears to be of above average intelligence and certainly has quite a little personality. Also, I have had two job interviews that went well, and I have two more lined up soon. I got the two calls today and they'll follow up with me later this week to schedule something.

The bad: Still no job. I did have the two interviews, but we're down to the wire where money is concerned.

The Ugly: That situation with my "friend" didn't work itself out. I thought it would. I think what we got into an argument about is a stupid thing to lose a friendship over. But that was her decision, not mine. She said some ugly (VERY UGLY) things and since that's not something I feel the need to put up with- that ended our friendship. It's too bad too. We had a lot of fun. But as my wisest friend Jessica put it- some people come into your life for forever, some for just a little while. Everyone fills a purpose. I guess my friend's purpose was full-up.

ONE YEAR!!!

2011-03-31T02:37:00.001-04:00

How in the hell is my boy a year old already?? He was just born yesterday wasn't he? YES! It's really crazy. Some days I look at him and I can literally not believe he's here. Other times, I can't remember a time without him. Even crazier? He's smart! And he's gorgeous! And funny! And has such a great disposition. His personality is getting bigger and bigger every day. I love him so much it breaks my heart in two from the weight of it.

The harder part is the rest. I lost my job last week. Politics was mostly the reason, regardless, I am unemployed yet again. It is supremely ego-crushing to lose 2 jobs within 12 months. I know I didn't deserve it. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't make things better for my self-esteem, unfortunately.

And then there's my friend... I went into a shop the other day and an acquaintance repeated some of the "complaints" about me that have been passed on by my friend. I love this girl. Last week when I lost my job she was the one I confided in, the one I called when I was at my most vulnerable. And then to hear that she complains "all the time"... it was heart-breaking. And now she's not talking to me.

When it rains, it pours, right? Things will improve, right? I hope so.

So I lied (AKA Happy Thanksgiving)

2010-11-25T07:14:00.001-05:00

I said yesterday, I'm not going to post a blog about Thanksgiving. I'm just going to live it and not think about it. But as I find myself up before dawn and waiting for my guys to rouse and thinking about what to put on the turkey.... I am inspired by a new friend's personal blog to commit to "paper" my emotions. (Thank you, Monica.)

For many, MANY years now, the holidays have been full of social gatherings, presents, food, etc... and, sure, they're fun and all, but when something is missing from them, they are left wanting. This is Quinn's first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first New Years, first everything. And I am so proud and fulfilled this day that I cannot find the words to commit to my emotions. I look at that baby sleeping and I cannot remember a Thanksgiving day without him... I think of my amazing husband still asleep upstairs and I cannot remember a past that he was not part of and I could not be more proud to be his wife I love these two people with more depth and complexity than I knew was possible. My father, my sister, my extended family, my friends, everyone, I am honored to be in your life. I feel bound to you all in ways I didn't know I could. You fill each day with hope, laughter, love, and a sense of peace that I have not felt in many years- if ever.

So I thank you. Each of you, for making my life better, making ME better. Without you I wouldn't be who I am today. Everyone should be so lucky.

Happy Halloween!!!

2010-11-03T03:56:00.000-04:00

Here's my handsome boy... he refused to smile, stubborn child.

An Essay for my Class...

2010-10-31T11:03:00.000-04:00

Our first "assignment" was to write a narrative essay. I chose to write about the day I had my first ultrasound with Quinn and I saw that the pregnancy was viable.

***********************************************************************************

The Day My World Stood Still

People use many different terms to define “making love.” There is passion, romance, love, tenderness, spontaneity, or aggression. There is also mundane, monotonous, utility, and lifelessness. Everyone expects the former, but many receive the latter through no true fault of their own. When years are spent trying to conceive a child, sex proudly walks the line of both extremes.

My husband, Mark, and I married in March of 2007 and immediately began trying to have a baby. Previously, I spent many years attempting the same fete with my first husband only for it to end in miscarriage and, eventually, divorce. Dealing with infertility the minute a new marriage starts can be challenging, but we had mutually strong feelings about wanting a family immediately.

Our first pregnancy began a little over a year later. Sadly, it ended just as quickly as it had begun. I was wary, but Mark was not ready to give up and he helped me fight the emotions and depression that threatened to keep me down. He was determined to make sure we fought every battle we could and exhausted every avenue available. So we kept trying.

Two years, 5 months, 2 weeks, and 5 days after we began our journey, I found out I was pregnant again. The mixture of emotions was an incredibly powerful thing. The highs are the highest and the lows are the lowest, and honestly, there just is no middle ground where infertility is concerned. I knew I had three weeks to wait for our first ultrasound. Time moved slowly, I was distracted and emotional and frustrated. One cannot know the stress that waiting to find out if your pregnancy is viable does to your psyche. It terrorizes you.

Finally, after an eternity of waiting, the day came. On August 31^st I got up early and went to work just like every other Monday. I couldn’t focus on anything beyond my appointment. Two Thirty came and I left and drove so slowly to the doctor’s office. I sat in the parking lot allowed myself to cry hard and long. There were just so many random thoughts, what if there is something wrong? What if there is no heart beat? What if there is no baby? What if I am not really pregnant and my body is playing a mean, vicious, evil trick on my brain?

Slowly I got out of the car and I went in. As I waited in the doctor’s office, the thoughts ran through my head, positive, negative, feign indifference. At some point, I couldn’t tell you exactly, they called me back. As they began the ultrasound, I couldn’t breathe. The room was dark and small and hot and I could not see through the water accumulating in my eyes. The doctor reassured me, patting me on the knee in an almost condescending way. He meant well, but he couldn’t understand, no one could begin to understand my fears.

As I lay there, wide open and vulnerable, the doctor performed the ultrasound. I spied on the screen now and then, but I couldn’t really watch. I waited and waited. The exam seemed to go on and on. Finally, he said, and I’m not joking, “Eureka!”

“EUREKA???” I repeated, incensed. If he only knew the heart attack this man was about to cause me.

All he said was “look.” And I did. And there it was, this small, grainy fluttering on a TV screen older than me. It was jerking about and flickering in and out of focus. I grabbed the screen with both hands and stared intensely. It was alive! And inside me! The tears were flowing, my heart was beating so hard, almost out of my chest, and I just could not believe what I was seeing. I was finally really pregnant and for a moment, just one moment, the whole world stopped and breathed with me. We knew, the world and me, that nothing was ever, ever going to be the same again.

"Self-Indulgent" AKA: Thank you Simon Cowell

2010-10-30T06:18:00.004-04:00

That's what my post was the other day. Really, really self-indulgent. I wallowed in it deep, didn't I? But ya know, I'm not embarrassed. I thought I would be when I went and read it back. But it was good. I needed to vent out those emotions. They're so intense and just bubbling at the surface of everything I do. I know it's because of being a new Mom and because it's been almost 10 years and the holidays are coming and blah-blah-blah... my point is, there are a lot of reasons why I'm feeling so out-of-sorts and, well, pissed off. But writing helped and knowing someone read it and was touched and concerned? That helped too. (Thanks for your comments Robbyn. You cannot know how much it means to know I am heard.)

So, as far as an update... I'm still pissed off. But I don't feel full of rage at the moment. It could be that I'm healing/dealing. Or it could be my gratuitous use of pharmaceuticals. (Xanax is the new black.) Whichever, I'm glad. I've been really enjoying hanging out with my boy. I've needed that so much. I've felt detached from him. I think it's because I'm so far inside my own head, wallowing in my own pain, that I'm not living in the now. Certainly that's not fair to him.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Quinn is going to be a Devil and I have the cutest picture idea. I won't spoil it. I'll post it tomorrow.

Also, one last complaint: Today was a GREAT hair day. And do you know who saw my great hair? No one. I cannot remember the last time I had a really good hair day. It made me kinda sad. Not sad enough to forgo the Charlie's Angels' hair flip though. Believe it.

2010-10-28T11:31:00.001-04:00

Convo w/ Mark:
J) I'm hungry, that's why I'm not sleep.
M) Eat your attitude and go to sleep.

Wow! He just gets meaner and meaner all the time.

2010-10-26T09:42:00.001-04:00

So Quinn started with the stomach flu last night. I was so anxious abt falling to sleep and missing him get sick- what if he couldn't cry out for us? Ugh! Scary

2010-10-25T17:26:00.001-04:00

Guess what??! I can blog from my phone! My own, personal twitter. Y'all are in trouble now, yo.

Emotional Purging

2010-10-24T03:45:00.003-04:00

My mom used to call my dad a "Stamp collector" saying he would hold all his emotions and ill-feelings in. Collecting all the wrong-doings until he had enough and then he would sort of explode. The explosions were short lived, I know, I have his temperament.

My mom died almost 10 years ago. For 9 and 1/2 of those years I wasn't angry. I didn't place "blame" it was what it was and it is what it is. But ever since Quinn was born... no before that. When the pregnancy started becoming difficult and I started having problems at work, I started to feel abandoned by her.

I kept pushing those feelings down, refusing to allow myself to feel them. But the more things that come up with Quinn, the more I feel isolated. I know it's whiny, but it's not fair that I don't have my mom to talk to about my boy. And the more I let myself feel things about this, about her, the madder I get. I feel like I need to be angry. I need to point fingers and yell "YOU DID THIS TO ME!" There is no logic in this, that's why it's so hard for me to just let go and feel.

So I don't know what to do. I reached out to my Aunt, her sister, to try to reconnect. I thought that would help. It blew up in my face and made me feel worse. I have attempted to find a surrogate... it helps, but only a little. I keep thinking I need to let it go, to stop feeling so angry and thinking about it ALL THE TIME. It's a determent to my relationships. But I can't seem to take that first step.

And I'm tired of feeling like it's a crutch. "I'm sad cause my mom died"... ten years ago. It sound ridiculous and stupid and emotionally stunted. Maybe I am emotionally stunted. I've always felt like I was years ahead of my peers emotionally. I understand relationships, I understand people in the relationships and I'm good, really good, at seeing things from all sides. But I can't seem to do this right. Not just for myself, but for everyone.

Also, I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of trying not to cry, of sleeping to distract myself... all of it. I want to be me again. I want to think about my mom and feel good. Enough emotional self-flagellation. So if you have any ideas of how to dig myself up out of a hole, feel free to send them my way. TIA. :/

For My Husband (Post #100!!)

2010-10-22T03:58:00.003-04:00

Come On, Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Fath and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe, I'd make you forget.

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard and drown me in love.

I miss the pull of your heart.
I taset the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Free

2010-08-27T23:18:00.002-04:00

Free by Zac Brown Band

I had dinner with my two of my best girlfriends this evening. It's one of their birthdays and we went for burgers, fries, shakes, etc... It was fun.

Earlier today Mark, Quinn, and I went to hang out at a friend's house. We played games; Scattergories, Apples to Apples, Monopoly. We did it last week too.

It's been very good for me to get out of my head. When I'm at home I spend every minute (essentially) checking different places for job possibilities. Tonight I had to go look at getting help from the gov't. So totally humiliating I can't even bring myself to fill out the paperwork. I have to get health insurance for Quinn. I can't pay for it.

Honestly, I'm in such a bad place I can't even look myself in the mirror. I dont know how I got here, but it's dark.

Then... this song comes on the radio and reminds me of where I'm REALLY at. Yeah, it's bad, but I have Mark. I have Quinn. I have good friends, good family. I have the essentials. A nice reminder of what's real and what's not. Dont get me wrong. Being broke? Jobless? REAL. But not ALL. I may have to listen to this song over and over again to make it sink in... until then, there's pharmaceuticals and who doesn't love that?

Laughter is the best Medicine!

2010-08-03T20:50:00.001-04:00

0803102005
Originally uploaded by the pantsie

All laughter is beautiful... but you'd be hard pressed to find better laughter than this.

My First Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T07:55:00.002-04:00

In the past, I have always felt as if the word "Mother" was a relative term (no pun intended.) Having dealt directly with infertility for round about 9 years now, I wondered if it was a coping mechanism to feel as if I was a mother even without having any living flesh babies. Now that my son is here, I know that I know that it wasn't. It's different, of course, to have your own living flesh and blood squirming around in your arms as opposed to a pup licking your face or a kit nuzzling your arm... but that difference doesn't take away from the intention of love and care-giving.

So celebrate! If you're a Mom, a want-to-be Mom, a caring Aunt Mom, a Cat Mom, a dog Mom, a foster Mom, an adoptive Mom, a Mom to Angels, a step-Mom... Celebrate and know that giving birth to a baby doesn't make you any more or less of a Mom than all the love and care you give the living, breathing blessings in your life.

A special note to all my friends still dealing with infertility: You are loved. Your day will come. Never give up hope. My hopes, dreams, and prayers are with you every day during this journey, just as yours were with me. I could not have dealt with the ups and downs of my fertility issues without you. My son is proof positive that the journey is worth the work.

Another special note to my Mom: I miss you more today than ever before. Your Grandson is an amazing, beautiful baby. The only thing today lacks is your presence. I love you.

Have a great Mother's day everyone!
Jennifer

My Sundae is almost complete!

2010-03-10T10:18:00.003-05:00

So... God willing, our son will be here 4 weeks from tomorrow. I am simultaneously exciting and fucking terrified. Not of labor. Labor won't be a big deal... ok, it'll be a big deal, but then it'll be over. But... terrified of being a mom for the first time. What if I fuck up my kid? What if he hates me... not in the teenage angst sorta way, but in the very real leaving and never speaking to me again way.

What if he loves Mark more than he loves me? What if Thor hates him and we have to get rid of the dog? What if he gets sick and I can't make him better? What if I lose my job and we end up being hobos walking down the street with our hobo sticks with matching handkerchiefs?

What if he's not smart? What if he doesn't have a great sense-of-humor? What if he's ugly?

Then I wonder, will he have brown eyes like me? Green eyes like Mark? Blue eyes like his uncles and aunt? He might have red hair when he's born... we're very freckled, Mark and I... what if he ends up being teased all his life?

What if he's fat like me? I don't want him to be fat. It terrifies me. I already love him so much I want him to be perfect (as perfect as he possible can be).

The other thing... I MISS MY MOM. LIke crazy, teary-eyed, thinking about her ALL THE TIME MISS HER. I keep thinking if she were here, I'd feel better about these crazy things. Or at least less manic about them. She could tell me I'm stoopid and to shut up about it. I can't turn this inner voice off. I don't know how. I mean, ok, it's not a 24/7 kind of worry... if it were, please, God, medicate me... but these fleeting thoughts are clear and present regularly.

Not to worry... the good stuff is there too. MY SON will be here before I can blink! The day I've waited for for YEARS AND YEARS is right around the corner. My family is almost complete. I honestly never thought I would get to this point of my life. Even with all he above angst... I know he's going to be an amazing child. How can he not? No child has ever been more wanted or loved than this one... it's not possible. <3 <3 <3

Insomnia for the win!

2010-02-28T06:24:00.002-05:00

Well, I didn't realize I hadn't update anything since before Christmas... a lot has happened in the last two months.

First... Quinn is almost here. 40 more days and he'll be with us! I can't wait. I never imagined it would ever be here. Yet here it is, almost upon us.

We had an ultrasound this past Thursday. He was so shy showing us his goods in the other two big ultrasounds, but in this one it was ALL he wanted to show. Finally the tech was able to get past his package and he's weighing 4lbs15oz and measuring just a few days ahead. Everything is still looking good with him. Dr. Wiles agreed to induce on April 8th. We don't want him to get bigger and I want to make sure I can stay home the full 6 weeks after he's born too.

Our shower is next next weekend. I'm very excited about all that attention. It really just amazes me that it's really here. Very surreal.

So I'm out of work until after he's born. I'm stressed out at work and needing a break. Plus I can't keep my glucose levels normal and I'm dehydrated. So I'm chillin'... and all of it, life, ect... has got me not sleeping. Hence my very boring essay at 640am on Sunday morning when I should be sleeping. Ha.

Ok.. gonna try to sleep. I'll write something much more witty later on.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2009-12-18T22:02:00.002-05:00

Everywhere you go... la la la

We're having a snow storm!!! We haven't had a snow, a real snow, in december in YEARS. If ever. It's beautiful and wonderful and I'm just glad it's on the weekend and I don't have to worry about getting to and from work!!!

Pictures tomorrow!!!

Things I am Thankful for

2009-11-26T15:31:00.003-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving folks. I hope everyone is having a wonderful time with family and friends and enjoying a feast! If you've read me before, you're aware that I enjoy making lists, so here's my list of things to be grateful for:

1) My husband. He is a man to compare all men to. He's thoughtful and kind and handsome and smart and he pushes me up when I am down.
2) My marriage. You might think this is the same as #1, but you can have good people in a bad marriage (see marriage numero uno.) The strength of my marriage surpasses what I ever thought I would have in life. I can't imagine not being with him.
3) Quinn. Our growing boy. It took a long time to get him going, but it was worth every effort, every struggle, every tear... I would do it again in a heartbeat.
4) Our family. We may not see eye-to-eye, but I still appreciate that the members of our families are good, solid people.
5) Our home. Not just the house, though I like that too... but this place we've built together. It's better to be here than any other place in the world.
6) My friends. All of you. Without you I wouldn't have any of the above. The strength they lend me, the honesty and love they share with me is unfathomable in a world like ours today. I am exceedingly lucky to know who I know. And even luckier to be cared for by them.
7) Being able to sit at the table and decorate pinecone cakes and listen to bad hip-hop music all with my husband. It's sometimes the simple things in life that mean the most.
8) My job. While it frustrates me and isn't always what I'd wish it to be, it's a good job with a good salary. In our economy I am lucky to have it.
9) My pets. Their unconditional love is always a surprise.
10) My history. I've made mistakes along the way, as everyone has. But without the people I've known, the events I have lived through, I would not be the person I am today. And I LIKE the person I am today.

I hope you and your loved ones can rouse up at least 10 things to be grateful and give thanks for this holiday season. May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.

Love Always,
Jennifer

The Mighty Quinn

2009-11-25T17:14:00.002-05:00

We had our 20 week ultrasound this morning and we were VERY PLEASED to discover that our baby is a boy. We have named him Quinn (the middle name to be determined, we're leaning toward Robert.) Here's some grainy ultrasound photos.

His Profile:

His foot. This is my very favorite. It's so cute a perfect, tiny foot!!! <3<3<3

Facing front and his arm:

There are a few others on my facebook, but these are the best. We heard his heartbeat for the first time, 152 bpm. So beautiful. He's measuring perfect... all of the measurements. He's so awesome. It's just so hard to believe that we're finally getting this amazing gift. I am in shock and disbelief most days. It's hard too, to know there's nothing wrong when there's been stuff wrong at every turn with the conception. But now, after all that we experienced today and how much love I feel for my little man, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and try to put my worries aside. He's on his way and he's perfect. And I feel like it's ok to accept that now. It's still scary, I admit it... but it's just cause I love him so so so much.

Confidential to My Mom...

2009-11-03T18:15:00.000-05:00

Wow... 9 years already? Sometimes, a lot of the time, it feels like yesterday. Things are so different now. I miss you so much.

Well, the big news is that I'm carrying your grandchild. After all these years and trying so hard... it's a scary relief to be pregnant finally. We'll know in 3 weeks if it's a boy or a girl. The names we've got picked out so far are Elizabeth Jewel (after you, of course and Mark's mom) and Quinn Robert (we just like Quinn and Robert is Mark's late Uncle's name.) ... the boy's name is subject to change, but the girl's name is set in stone.

Anyway... I love you, Mom. I will always love you. I miss you very much. I will give the baby extra hugs for you, I know you would want that. Dad is VERY excited!! So is Suzanne!

Until Next Year,
Jennifer

Baby update + ridiculousness of life....

2009-10-29T17:49:00.002-04:00

I had my monthly check up at the OB today. Everything went smoothly, baby is growing, I have lost 26 lbs. At first I was scared because he still can't get a heartbeat through my belly. He says this is not abnormal and it's because I'm overweight. So he did another ultrasound... but for a couple of minutes I felt my stomach in my throat waiting for everything to be ok.

He says he can't tell me to stop worrying. I'm a mom, that's my job. But everything is going fine, so I'm going to try to be happy about that.

SO, my newest pregnancy symptomy stuff is that my appetite is outrageous. It's not that I want to eat that much, I have no desire for anything in particular. Occasionally I will want something... recently it's rotisserie chicken.

In other news, I've been rereading the Twilight saga. I lent out book 1, but I finished book 2 and 3 and am now working on 4. It's fun to read. It's easy to get lost in the drama and the fantasy of it. I don't know what I'll read when it's over. I'll be sad I think.

So the only other semi-interesting thing going on is I had a rather large blow up with my husband's family. His brothers and their wives specifically. I can't even really say what happened. I kept thinking I am being reasonable, but then being told in no uncertain terms, and with a not insignificant amount of nastiness, that I am not. So it's frustrating. I'm not sure what to say, if anything, to them next time I see them. I can't hide from his family, but I want to. I don't want to subject myself to that stuff... especially being pregnant.

I guess I'll just play it by ear, see what happens. :shrug: Whatever it is, I'm not going to worry about it. The rest of my pregnancy is going to be stress free no matter what it takes. Foot firmly down.

Light a Candle

2009-10-15T16:58:00.005-04:00

October 15th is International Pregnancy and infant Loss Remembrance Day.

If you can, light a candle tonight at 7 pm to honor and support the mothers and fathers of lost babies. Having a miscarriage is an incredibly difficult and scary thing to go through. The death of the pregnancy is very real and very painful. Having had two miscarriages myself I can tell you that women in my position need your support.

Thank You,
Jennifer

Confidential to my Angels:
I love you my babies. You will live forever in my heart.
01/23/2004 <3
04/12/2008 <3
Your Mom

2009-10-01T17:50:00.000-04:00

MY BABY!!!

The Simple Life (Or lack thereof)

2009-09-24T16:04:00.002-04:00

Lately, maybe because of my pregnancy, I think alot about how I can simplify things. I don't know where to start, what to give up or change... but the desire to make those changes is so strong that it is consuming most of my waking minutes.

Maybe part of it is because, thanks to the picky eater inside, all I have been eating lately is soup and sandwiches, occasionally a salad. Long gone are the desires for sushi and lattes. So I think about this and it occurs to me, what if I make these changes permanent? What if, instead of eating out and buying expensive, pretty, and yes tasty foods, I just scale it down and eat simple.

What if I extend these changes to my cable, my cell phone, my electronics, my whole life? what would this accomplish? Would I still be happy and satisfied with my life if I gave up keeping up with the joneses? I think I would. I remember as a kid not having a computer, not having 239087409823498 cable channels to watch... we listened to music and read. God, I used to read 3 or 4 books a week, sometimes more. And it was fun. More importantly, it was EASY.

So, I think about things and the kind of life that I desperately want for my child. I grew up eating MickyD's weekly.. having candy and cakes and whatever all the time. Fruit was too expensive. We always had soda (though it was only diet pepsi, that's all my mom drank) and there were times we were out of milk. We never had OJ with breakfast.

Don't get me wrong. My childhood was blessed, poor or not. My parents were fantastic and loved us with the strength of 10,000 suns. But we did not have a healthy balanced diet. We watched a fantastic amount of televison (we all still do), and we laid around complaining about how tired we were.

If it's true that you learn from your parents, then what is it , exactly that I want to teach my children? Here's the first ten things that come to mind:

1) Candy bars are not snack food.
2) You don't have to have fries with your burger/hotdog.
3) Milk is GOOD.
4) There really is no more important meal than breakfast. Cereal is delicious, embrace it.
5) There is such a thing as celebrating without food.
6) Just because there's something on TV to watch, doesn't mean you have to watch it.
7) Exercise/sports should be fun... not a chore.
8) There is an entire world to explore at your fingertips. All you have to do is open a book.
9) A hug can make your whole life better.
10) Without love, true love, there is not satisfying life.

To expand upon #10. True love starts with accepting who you are for what you are. Once that happens, the rest will fall into place. Having been married twice and having discovered myself, my true self, inbetween those marriages... I can attest to the fact that without that, without that self-realization of how valuable *I* am as a person (if only to myself), I do not think I could've found the deep, penetrating love that I feel for my husband. I couldn't have given him that part of me, because I didn't know who or what that part of me was. That might sound hokie, I don't know... but it's true. And I want my kids to feel this about themselves. I don't want it to take 31 years for this to happen. And I really don't want them to deal with what I dealt with for this knowledge to take hold.

I don't think my kids will have a charmed life... but I do think I can help them to help themselves. More than I was helped. I don't believe my parents didn't want me to feel these things, I think... no, I KNOW, they didn't feel it themselves. Which is why it's so important for me to remember who I am at all times.

Anyway... pregnancy update... things are going great as far as I know. I go back for a regular OB check up in a week. I should hear the heartbeat on the doppler. I'll be 11 weeks on Sunday. I thank God every day for every minute I am still pregnant. I hope he continues to bless us and allow this miracle to keep living.

/sappiness. :)

Heartbeat!!!!

2009-09-03T18:09:00.002-04:00

I saw both my specialist and my OB this week... I saw the baby's heartbeat TWICE! There's just one baby and it is perfect!!!

The heartbeat was 140 beats per minute. And it was measuring right on the money!

Dr Wiles (my OB) wants me to see an Endocrinologist to make sure my glucose levels stay regulated. And I go back to see him in one month.

SO my little cherry is just a growin'. It's wonderful and I could not be any happier than I am right now.

For baby...

2009-08-24T02:41:00.005-04:00

Listening to one of my favorite songs...

To Make You Feel My Love
Written by : Mr. Bob Dylan

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Crazy Anxiety!

2009-08-21T14:08:00.002-04:00

I'm insane! Or I feel insane most of the time anyway.

The first half of this week I forgot my Anti-crazy pills and by Wednesday I was exhausted and emotional. Once I realized I'd forgotten it, I felt better. And once I took it, I felt even better.

I've been having troubles regulating my glucose levels. So I worry about that 24/7. Everything I read indicates that out-of-control glucose levels can easily lead to miscarriage. So I'm worried, worried all the time.

And I'm tired and I can't stand the thought of working my second job anymore. I secretly hope that my OB will tell me it's too stressful and I should quit. Ha! I will be considered "high risk" so there's a chance. If I did quit then I could sew and maybe make some money selling stuff. I would love that.

My ultrasound is August 31st. I just have to hold on until then. I'm been telling her to hold on too. We just both have to get through this time and then we'll be together.

Maybe I should title this blog "Crazy AND Anxiety"...

Test Results #2!

2009-08-14T13:40:00.000-04:00

Beta (HCG) was 412!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? cause I can't! I'm in shock.

Progesterone was 16.8.

I'm so happy. I keep welling up with tears. It's just so awesome, all of it. I felt some nausea yesterday... I notice my breasts are more tender today! Bring it on! I can't wait!

After all my whining and crying and pouting...

2009-08-12T10:52:00.003-04:00

The results are in!

My #1 HCG MIU is 155mg. (Click "HCG" to link to information about the levels.) This is an AWESOME #!!

So Thursday we go in for HCG #2 and a Progesterone level. We're looking for the HCG to be above 310 and the progesterone to be around: 9-47 ug/ml

:Fingers crossed: This is good news!

I gave in...

2009-08-11T21:32:00.003-04:00

I called the RE's off ice yesterday (reproductive endocrinologist) and told them I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. They are insistent on my coming in and taking a serum pregnancy test. I resist. Not because I'm a difficult patient (I'm not), but because with the last pregnancy, all those numbers being thrown at me just made me feel slightly insane.

I talked to my PCP and I talked to Mark and my friends... all of them insisted that I go and get the blood test.

The thing about the test is that it's not the end-all, be-all of what's going on with the baby. It does give an idea... but it's not all you look at. And they run the test again 48 hours later and the titer should double during that time... so from the moment you get the first number you're waiting for a million years for the second number. If they don't double exactly, they make you take it AGAIN. Hence the insanity... the waiting and waiting and waiting... Sigh.

I guess I have been feeling like if I take this test, then that means there's a chance my pregnancy might be over. That is so so sad. I just cried and cried on my way to the lab to get my blood drawn. I mean, I did it... I went... I just couldn't help being so upset.

I just want so bad to stay pregnant. I want to live in my little fantasy land where the baby is healthy and growing and safe and I am healthy and safe and we're happy and Mark is proud of us. I talk to the baby all the time, telling her how important she is, how much we want her and love her already. I hope she can hear me.

Sugar vs Caffeine...

2009-08-10T18:00:00.002-04:00

Pregnancy dilemma numero uno :

I picked up chicken sandwiches for the Mister and myself and they came with drinks... so I get Sprite, which has sugar but no caffeine? or diet coke which has caffeine but no sugar.

So much to think about. If it were early in the day I would get the diet coke... but this late in the day, the caffeine makes me go to the bathroom all night long... so I got the sprite.

Lil' Mobster and I are doin' just fine. I had some spotting this morning, but it went away. I didn't freak out either. I was proud. It seemed like normal, old stuff that my body is getting rid of to make room for the baby.

Anyway... so moms out there, what did you decide with regards to this issues? Consume caffeine or consume sugar?

On or Around April 17th, 2010...

2009-08-08T14:29:00.004-04:00

There'll *hopefully* be a new little Mobster entering into the world.

I just found out this past Thursday that I am 4 weeks pregnant. We've been trying to get pregnant ever since we got married. A year and a half ago we got pregnant and had a miscarriage. Also several years ago my first husband I had a miscarriage as well.

So while we are so so so so excited... we are also scared and nervous and, yeah, wicked excited!!!

So... anyone that's interested, throw a little prayer or two our way. Mobster Baby needs them... as does Mom and Dad Mobster.

2009-08-06T22:36:00.000-04:00

“The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.” Anais Nin

Some things changes and some things stay the same..

2009-08-04T01:36:00.003-04:00

I suck for not having posted anything in a long time... things are stressful right now and I'm having a hard time putting my emotions into words suitable for public viewing. I'm working on it though... so here's a life-update.

Things are crazy in Jennland these days. I don't know if I'm coming or going or going backwards or left or right or standing still. Even as I am being pulled in multiple directions, all things lead to moving forward, so that's what we do. Trek through the mud as if it's not even there.

The last post I made I had to take down. It was raw and emotional and I wasn't ready to share that with the general public. I still have it, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to wear my heart on my sleeve... right now, though, I'm tucking it away for a while. It's got a few bruises that need mending. I apologize for the teaser post. I am a basket full of nerves and emotions lately (my husband would say, Just lately??!)

So, what have I been doing? Well... besides working, I am having fun with some art projects... applique mostly. I'm not very good at it, but that's why we practice and take classes! Ha! I have a Statistics class starting this month that I desperately need to register for. I'm sure you'll be bombarded with "I fucking hate this" posts shortly thereafter. ;)

I'm writing. For the first time in a long time... a fiction short-story. I can't remember the last time I did that. It's incredibly fun. If I get a decent amount written, I'll share it maybe. It's different than anything I've ever written before, but I really like it.

And of course... Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. That's the sound my ovaries make when I wake up in the mornings, well and at night... Hell, all day long! Heh. I kid, sort of. We're working on it. I should know something this weekend for this cycle... but par-for-the-course... we're not getting excited or hopeful. No we're not. That just makes people (ME) sad. We don't want that now do we? No, we don't. I can't up my crazy people pills without consent of the doctor!

I am glad we actually got to try this cycle though. It had been a while since it worked in our favor, so that part was very good. I take small blessings where I can get them.

I am on nights this week. I seem to feel the most creative (at least verbally) in the wee hours of the morning. Tonight though, I am wicked tired... so I do realize this post isn't the least bit interesting and is probably full of grotesque spelling errors. I do apologize for that part. 6 more hours and I can sleep (It's 2am here.)

Well, that's it. I'm gonna be a better blogger in the future. I swear it! Well... I hope it anyway.

Life verses Love and the search for your soulmates.

2009-06-20T18:30:00.003-04:00

to be continued...

Mark and Me and a whole bunch of other stuffs.

2009-05-07T18:55:00.003-04:00

For my birthday, My wonderful, sweet, handsome, crazy (in a good way), sexy-as-hell husband painted me a picture. It's of the two of us. Here's a picture of the... uhhh... picture. And a picture of the picture of us that he used to paint if from.

Painting:
Original Picture:
Isn't he awesome??! YES!!!

I finished Nana's quilt. I took it to the long-arm quilter the beginning of April. I got it back this week. I still have to put the binding on it, but here's a bunch of pictures of it. When I picked it up, she showed it to me and when I opened it up... well... it's just so beautiful and I had this feeling of "wow! I made that??! Holy cow!" And I felt like crying. I didn't. But I felt like it. I'm pathetic, huh?

Anyway... here it is:

This is the back.

Last, but not least... my cupcakes! Mere makes them for me for my birthday every year. They are strawberry with whipped icing. I LOVE THEM. <3<3<3<3<3

35 Things About Me

2009-04-29T19:01:00.002-04:00

On this, the day marking the 35 year of my life, I give you: 35 random and mostly entirely useless, but very true and perhaps a little awesome, facts about me.

1) I was born on April 29th, 1974. That would make me 35 today.
2) I cried last night in bed. Turning 35 has left me a bundle of mixed emotions.
3) I have been married twice.
4) My second husband has been, and continues to be, the most amazing person I have ever known.
5) All of my friendships are very long term. My best friend and I have been friends for 15 years. Another friend, 20 years this fall.
6) I have some newer friends, I look forward every day to knowing them this long.
7) My mom died when I was 26. Saddest day of my life.
8) I have had two miscarriages. Second and third saddest days of my life.
9) The above mentioned best friend is moving in 4 months. I feel that this will rank #4.
10) I love my job. When I don't hate it. I discovered today though, that it's not the job, or the people that I've been upset with. It's been the tension. It's been killing me.
11) I am a very straight forward person. Sometimes telling it "like it is" gets me into trouble. I should learn to shut my mouth.
12) I can watch hours and hours and hours of "Angel" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and never tire of it.
13) Sometimes just looking at my husband takes my breath away.
14) My favorite song is called "New Way Home" by the Foo Fighters.
15) My favorite band is the Foo Fighters.
16) My favorite movie is "The Princess Bride".
17) My favorite color is Turquoise and Teal. And every color in between. It's the not green/not blue colors I love.
18) I like American Idol and many other realty TV shows and I'm not afraid to admit it. Just because I buried this information in the middle where no one will probably read it means nothing.
19) I like Chardonnay.
20) I am diabetic. I don't get to drink much Chardonnay.
21) I actually just found out I am diabetic last week. So this is all new.
22) I am still going to eat my birthday cake. Take that diabetes!
23) For my birthday Mark painted me a picture. It's the two of us. It's actually my very favorite picture of me. I think my eyes look super pretty in it.
24) I love sewing and scrapbooking and painting and pretty much all things crafty.
25) Some day I would like to travel to Spain. I can't tell you why Spain, it just always looks so pretty in the pictures.
26) I have one tattoo. I want another one. Mark is less enthusiastic.
27) I just had surgery on both my hands. They are healing nicely, but they still hurt sometimes.
28) There is hardly a better time than curling up on the sofa with Mark and taking a long nap.
29) My husband has the worst gas problems. And what's more, he's proud of it. He says ALL guys are like this. I'm not sure he's right.
30) I have a dog named Thor and Two cats: Sable and Charlie.
31) If I ever get pregnant and have a girl, I will name her Elizabeth Jewel. The boy's name is up for grabs.
32) I'm not sure if I'll ever be happy if we don't have kids.
33) Mark says he doesn't care if we don't have kids.
34) I have a room full of books. It's awesome.
35) I think my 35th year is gonna be the best yet. Here's to hoping. *Cheers*

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T22:08:00.002-04:00

Y'all! I hope everyone had lovely times with your families!

Mark and I spent the day watching some TV and napping. Then we packed it up and went to his parent's house and had dinner and watched the kids go on a scavenger hunt. It was really fun.

I talked to good friends and family members and, honestly, I don't think I could've asked for a better Easter Sunday.

The only Easter that I think could've topped this one was three years ago. Mark's and my first date. The start of our lives together. I knew I would love him the moment I laid eyes on him. I think he felt the same way about me. We're so lucky!

My brother-in-law...

2009-04-09T19:20:00.001-04:00

is at home now. The kidney failure was from antibiotics. I'm not 100% sure of exactly what happened... but he is at home and feeling better and hopefully will continue to improve.

Thanks to those for their prayers and vibes and all around well wishes. Looks like they worked.

Prayer Request UPDATED

2009-04-08T06:29:00.005-04:00

Hey Folks,

If you're the praying sort, please send one out for my husband, Mark's, brother Brian. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday and he is in kidney failure. They're not sure what's going on, they believe it's due to dehydration. He is only 30 years old. And has two small children, ages 8 and 4.

He could use all the good vibes, prayers, positive thoughts that can be sent his way and I sure would appreciate it.

Thank you.
Jennifer

04/08/09 2320 **UPDATE**

We went to see him. He's uncomfortable, but the doctors say that his kidney function is up and he's doing better. They think it was an antibiotic that he was taking that caused the problems.

I do not know if there is any permanent kidney damage, but from the information received it does not appear so.

Thanks to all of you with the well wishing and prayers. Y'all rocked it out. It's looking like he's going to be A-Ok.

Fresh Market, Trader Joe's, Whole foods? EVIL

2009-04-02T16:05:00.002-04:00

Ok, evil in a sense of, I love them and want to spend ALL my monies there buying the pretty fruits and veggies that HAVE to taste good. Whereas Foodlion? not so much on the pretty, and quite a few notches lower on the "tastes good" also. But, tons tons higher on the cheaper.

Still... I bought some berries for a tri-berry pie. And a steak for Mark and a huge piece of salmon for ME! Tonight we dine like KINGS..errr.. and QUEENS! YAY!

Sleepless in, or around, Richmond VA

2009-03-28T04:58:00.004-04:00

This post is dedicated to my loyal reader: Jessica Marshall. I love ya babe. mwah

I have my days and nights mixed up... at least in the part of my brain that allows me to sleep. Between the complete and utter lack of physical movement on my part for the last two weeks, there have been an extraordinary amount of vicodin taken. This makes me sleepy. So, I sleep all day. Am up all night. And am so incredibly fucking bored that it makes me want to CRY CRY CRY.

I mean, it's 5am and I am watching "Death to Smoochy". I honestly believe that I am probably the only adult, nay person, alive or dead that adores this movie. And I do. It's awesome and fun. And Ed Norton is HOT. HOT. HOT. Plus, Jon Stewart? YES Please! Catherine Keener and Danny Devito (he also directed it.) Awesome! I adore them all... and add that Robin Williams is not the least bit annoying, perfect. My favorite scene is the Nazi one. It's truly awesome.

Speaking of Robin Williams... my forced relaxation has made me watch a bunch of movies. One of them is "License to Wed." I know. Don't judge me people. I really am just that bored. Anyway... it's cute. I don't hate it. It's got John Krasinski, who is, ok, not a great actor... but cute as a button.

Another movie I watched on my leave: "Mr. Brooks". So, if we're honest with ourselves, and we are, we don't expect much from Kevin Costner and Dane Cook combo. I mean, I think they're both easy on the eyes (Kevin has gotten easier, much easier, with age. Shuddup.) but that's about as far as they tend to go. This movie is AWESOME. It's a little slow in some parts, but on the whole, it's a fantastic thriller. Kevin Costner was Spot on. Dane Cook was... well... Dane Cook, but he's awful purty.

What else have I watched... hmmm... Oh.. tonight we watched "Reservation Road" 4 words for you. Joaquin Pheonix Mark Ruffalo. /discussion. They both do a great job. The ending was, well... eh. I wanted a little bit more. But it was really good. Plus, Jennifer Connely is amazingly beautiful and if I swung that (and I can't say I wouldn't for her) I'd be her Number 1 fan.

We also watched the new 007 "Quantum of Solace". It was good. I didn't expect much from it because people I know that watched it didn't think it was that great. I liked it though. Plus, Daniel Craig??? in the immortal words of pepe le pew.. le rowr. Le rowr rowr!!!!

We also saw "Hard Candy"... It was good... it was different. I don't think I like Ellen Page. I have yet to really enjoy a movie she was in. I detested "Juno"... Oh, I liked "Saved".. wait, that wasn't her. Who was that?? Jena Malone. I like her.

So.. that's most of the movies I've watched over the last couple of weeks. I also managed to finish season 5 of Angel. :Sigh: I miss that show. It was so good!!

Ok... I'm going to try to get more sleep. All the movies I mentioned have links to their IMDB page if you want more info. Cheers.

Snow Day !!!!!

2009-03-02T10:06:00.003-05:00

We're snowed in. It's freakin' awesome! We've only got about 6 inches out there, but in the VA it's plenty enough to shut the whole world down. YAY! Here's some pics:

This is at my front door... we had a visitor sometime during the night, pretty neat, huh?
Here are some others:

Chubby chick makes waves with local radio station. Story at 11.

2009-03-01T03:46:00.003-05:00

I did something out of character yesterday. I sent an email to the Vice-president of K-95 (a country radio station here in Richmond.) I've never done this sort of things before, but I had been thinking I needed to voice my opinion on some things regarding their radio station. Here's why: A few weeks back I was listening to the morning show. They were promoting the Jessica Simpson concert and Catfish made some off-color comments regarding her supposed weight gain. I rolled my eyes and ignored it.... but then he did it again the next day and the next. Then last week he made similar derogatory comments about someone else. Usually I will just brush it off, it wasn't said to me or about me so I will ignore it... but for some reason I couldn't let this go anymore. It seems to me that Catfish has been put in a position where people look up to him, everyone loves him. So it should follow that he's respectful and considerate in returne.

So I emailed Mr. Willoughby. The web site said he was the vice president... here's what I said:

Dear Mr. Willoughby,

I have been a loyal listener to K95 for quite some time now. I am 35
years old and began listening to your radio station in my teens. The
majority of my adult life I have worked evenings and nights in a local hospital
here in Richmond. A couple of years ago I switched to day-shift which
allowed me to listen to the locally esteemed Catfish and Lori. I work
45-50 hours a week and listen to K95 just about that much as well. The
majority of the time I enjoy their banter and their segments, however, I have a
growing concern about some off-handed remarks that have been made by
Catfish.

A few weeks back they were promoting the Jessica Simpson concert.
Catfish made several "humorous" remarks about her weight gain on multiple
occasions. Then again this earlier this week I heard him make similar
remarks about another woman, though I can't remember that woman's name. I
understand he's joking and probably means no offense by these remarks. I
can't help but be concerned though, I am starting a family with my husband and
we want to raise our family to accept all human beings and not to make fun of
their short-comings or imperfections, whatever they may be. I think with
all the tension and stress in the world right now listening to the radio should
be comforting and relaxing. In other words, I don't want to hear ugly
remarks about women's bodies.

Your station bills itself on being "family" oriented. but I would no
sooner allow my children to listen to these sorts of remarks than I will listen
to them myself. Mark Wills has a song that you play on your station fairly
often called "Don't Laugh at Me". Maybe Catfish should take some time to
listen to that song and hopefully regain some perspective and perhaps realize
the error of his ways. If he can't, then I suggest he simply just keep his
nasty remarks to himself and off your public radio station.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Jennifer L Mobley

I read it to Mark... he said it was good until I got to the end and that I was a little nasty at the end. I don't think that's true though, I think I was just making my point clear. :) Mr. Willoughby responded by saying:

Thanks Jennifer, I will forward your email to Catfish and our program
director. Food for thought...

Take care,
Bob

So, we'll see. I don't know what else will happen with it and I'm not sure how far I'm willing to take it. Probably not very far. I just felt like saying my peace. I'm sure that it will just be brushed off as some chubby chick who hasn't had enough to eat.... but that's ok. Nothing can ever change unless you try. So I tried.

I'm curious to know if anyone reading this thinks I was wrong to send that email? It won't hurt my feelings, I'd just like to know what you would've done. I can be a bit reactionary, and I'm sure that played into my decision to send it... but I am what I am, ya know? I don't want anything, I'm not going to sue them. I just want to be heard. Hopefully I will be.

I'll let you know if I hear anything more.

Living in slow motion.

2009-02-28T06:12:00.002-05:00

I can't keep my eyes open. Every muscle in my body hurts as well as some of my bones. Nightshifts can kiss my lily white hind parts. Seriously.

My "new" sewing machine....

2009-02-07T22:28:00.002-05:00

Around christmas time, my inlaws were getting rid of this sewing machine. Naturally, I wanted it badly! It's so beautiful and old and just looking at it makes me happy.

A sleepy Saturday night...

2009-02-07T20:46:00.002-05:00

.... so it might actually just be "me" that is sleepy. But whatever, it's Saturday night people! It's a party! OK, no, it's not.

As some of you may know already, I work a lot. I have ONE free weekend a month, every other weekend I work. Most weeks I work 55 or so hours a week. That's not much, but it's enough to get me good and tired by the weekend.

Another thing I'd like to point out before I continue on with what surely will become a rant: Mark (my husband) and I never fight. We don't squabble, we don't become annoyed with one another easily. We have never been one of those couples that butt heads frequently.

Ok, so the meat of it. It's my weekend off. My ONLY weekend off until this time next month. I want to be lazy. I want to sleep late AND take a long nap. I want to drink coffee and read one of my millions of books I don't have time to read. I want to eat a bloody steak and get drowsy and relax. This is all I care about doing.

Mark though, he works 35 hours a week and has every weekend off. He misses me. More importantly, he's bored. He wants to be busy. He wants to go do stuff. I just don't have the energy. I really don't care that I don't have the energy. I don't think it's unreasonable that I'm ok with the relaxing, I really don't. '

So, now we're irritated with each other and I'm wondering how far I should take this. I don't think it's fair that he becomes irritated with me because I'm tired and don't feel like getting dressed up and going out. I enjoy my pajamas more than would seem humanly possible. I don't want to put on regular pants... even more? I don't want to put on a bra. I want to watch trashy movies and take an awesome nap!

I know he just wants to be with me, that he misses me. I know that this is because he loves me more than anything in this world. I love these things about him. And I love him. So I got dressed and we went to Barnes and Noble. I made him buy me a book and some coffee. We went to dinner with my Dad and his girlfriend. I did those things and now I'm free to relax. (also I'm free because there's a UFC match on tonight and he loves those probably as much as he loves me.)

I love him. And I know I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world to be loved by someone like Mark. He's amazing and wonderful to me. I shouldn't complain. He's an excellent husband. I need some sleep though. I need quiet time. I need alone time. I need silence and calm and relaxation. I need him to understand these things and to not make me feel guilty for not wanting the same sorta weekend activities that he wants.

Alright, well I know this was incredibly boring to read. Gold stars to those of you that got through it all. I just needed to get it off my chest. It was boiling up and the last thing, the VERY last thing I can handle right now is a fight. No.No.NO. So, it's better this way.

Cheers y'all.

Happy Happy Happy Happy ....

2009-01-01T11:51:00.001-05:00

NEW YEAR!!!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T01:08:00.002-05:00

Wishing everyone an awesome Christmas... May your family visits be peaceful, May Santa fill your stockings with the "just right stuff", May your day be blessed with hugs from loved ones, Kisses from even more loved ones, and Happiness all the whole day through.

Ho Ho Ho!

Desperation, Validation, Information

2008-12-21T06:36:00.005-05:00

"Ation"-palooza, isn't it? Yeah, I got a bit carried away I suppose... I do that sometimes. Ok, to the meat of it...

Desperation:

There are many forms that desperation can take on. Anything done to extreme becomes a problem... how hard and for how long can one person pine away for something, someone, before they become... well... obnoxious? This is one of my fears. I want a baby so badly that there are days that I cannot focus on anything else. Nothing. Sometimes it's all I want to talk about... none of my close friends are in the same position as I, none of them have these intense baby urges that I have had for years. How much is too much? Do I clam up and keep it to myself? That encourages some crazies all by itself. Not to mention, completely irrational feelings of resentment that my friends/family don't understand what I'm going through (irrational mostly because how could they know if you don't/can't tell them??!)

Validation:

I frequent one particular quilt/sewing shop more than any others. So much so that they know me by name. (This is good and bad... Good because I am completely comfortable asking all sorts of retardo questions if I don't understand something... bad because I am completely comfortable asking all sorts of retardo questions if I don't understand something.)

The girls at Quilting Adventures are amazing! They are talented and smart and SO SO SO knowledgeable. Well, in past blog entries I showed pictures of my study that Mark built for me. I mentioned to Joyce (the owner) about the curtains I'd made. I have been really proud of how they turned out. Mostly because they are 100% mine... I had no pattern, no one helping me. That made me feel good. She told me to email her a picture of them. The next day I get an email saying she'd posted them on her store blog.

I know it's probably silly... but this encourages me to feel that I am on the right track with my creative side. The compliments and the comments at the end give me, yes, validation that I am good at this, maybe I am talented. It's a good thing too, sewing is a passion. (Maybe I should've written the "Desperation" portion of this blog entry about sewing... hmmmmm)

Information:

Is too much information ever a bad thing? Sometimes- I'll give you an example.

A few years back (2004? 2003?) I had been up in Towson, MD at a Medical convention. A coworker and a friend had come along. We spent an additional night at the Harbor and enjoyed some alcohol in, what some may say, excess. It was fun... but when I was back at work later that week I was just overcome with exhaustion. I could barely hold my head up. In addition, I touched my face and found that in the area right in front of my ears was swollen and hard. It was odd... so I turned toward a most trusted friend, The Internet. Specifically, WEBMD. I typed in, swollen salivary glands and guess what it told me? YOU HAVE CANCER. I had mono. But according to WEBMD I had cancer.

CANCER! How in the hell is the big C the first thing it suggests??! In what world is that a good thing to do to people??! So many people are not knowledgeable about health care or medical issues. Yet they have access to this, most terrifying and frequently hyperbole (if not 100% in accurate) information 24/7.

I've always felt that there is no such thing as "too much information", but when I think about stuff like this... the inaccuracy and imprecision of this information being available to the general public... it makes me angry.

I have more to say... but it's time to go home from work. Yeehaw.

Edited for:

Ok... I'm at home now. I guess my point of all the above was that one really has to be careful with how we use information, how we receive information, how much information we receive, what kind of information we need, process said information appropriately and learn when too much is too much. I think that this can be a very difficult process. In all seriousness, rare is the occasion that I find that I desire less information than I have. Also, I consider myself to be of high intelligence and can easily decipher good information from bad information.

I'm modest too, but that blog is for another time...