So... God willing, our son will be here 4 weeks from tomorrow. I am simultaneously exciting and fucking terrified. Not of labor. Labor won't be a big deal... ok, it'll be a big deal, but then it'll be over. But... terrified of being a mom for the first time. What if I fuck up my kid? What if he hates me... not in the teenage angst sorta way, but in the very real leaving and never speaking to me again way.
What if he loves Mark more than he loves me? What if Thor hates him and we have to get rid of the dog? What if he gets sick and I can't make him better? What if I lose my job and we end up being hobos walking down the street with our hobo sticks with matching handkerchiefs?
What if he's not smart? What if he doesn't have a great sense-of-humor? What if he's ugly?
Then I wonder, will he have brown eyes like me? Green eyes like Mark? Blue eyes like his uncles and aunt? He might have red hair when he's born... we're very freckled, Mark and I... what if he ends up being teased all his life?
What if he's fat like me? I don't want him to be fat. It terrifies me. I already love him so much I want him to be perfect (as perfect as he possible can be).
The other thing... I MISS MY MOM. LIke crazy, teary-eyed, thinking about her ALL THE TIME MISS HER. I keep thinking if she were here, I'd feel better about these crazy things. Or at least less manic about them. She could tell me I'm stoopid and to shut up about it. I can't turn this inner voice off. I don't know how. I mean, ok, it's not a 24/7 kind of worry... if it were, please, God, medicate me... but these fleeting thoughts are clear and present regularly.
Not to worry... the good stuff is there too. MY SON will be here before I can blink! The day I've waited for for YEARS AND YEARS is right around the corner. My family is almost complete. I honestly never thought I would get to this point of my life. Even with all he above angst... I know he's going to be an amazing child. How can he not? No child has ever been more wanted or loved than this one... it's not possible. <3 <3 <3
